I was talking with someone today, over the phone, someone in the legal profession.
They asked me, "How do honest people deal with dishonest people?"
My thought was, "They don't. I mean if a person refuses to acknowledge what is true and if they lie; what can the other person do?"
I was thinking yesterday about the Jesus story. Whether all of it is true or not, it is true that people all throughout history get bullied, scapegoated, lied about. Some get executed that are innocent of the charges. My little peon drama going on now can't even compare with that.
As I read to the person on the phone a recent blog post that was written by my ex-therapist about me sexually propositioning him - a story my ex-therapist laces with decorative language to make it juicy for the reader I guess - as I finished reading to the person, the receiver on the phone was simply silent.
I said, "Are you there?"
The other party responded, "Yes." More silence. "That is totally appalling." They were shocked. But not as shocked as I was when I first read it Saturday night.
I said, "Yeah. Absolutely shocking."
The whole story my ex-therapist shares about me sexually propositioning him is a total fabrication.
I'm having to come to terms that there are evil people. I don't know when I'll get it through my thick skull that people outright lie, like my ex-therapist has about me. I am still shocked and stunned by his dime-store fiction snippet.
I knew I was taking a risk when I came forward in March naming my ex-therapist and coming forth with what had happened last August and since. But I never, ever imagined this. Of course I never ever imagined the whole scenario that began in last July...or rather June.
I never imagined that my father would be a quadriplegic for 13 years.
I never imagined I'd leave The Way or not be a true believer.
I never imagined a lot of things that have happened.
And now I can believe nothing that comes out of my ex-therapist's mouth.
I have no control over what other people believe and think.
August 29, 2011
Lover of the Roan
I had an awesome past few days playing on the Roan Highlands. A little bit of heaven on earth.
As I hiked with my 30 pounds on my back, over Jane Bald and toward the goats which are atop the balds to help control certain vegetation over growth, I spied a dog among the goats. The dog was running a bit with its fluffy white tail bouncing. And then I spied another.
I proclaimed aloud with only the goats and dogs and grasses and bees to hear me, "Harley dogs!" As a smile stretched from ear to ear atop the 6000-foot high mountain.
Harley is the name of a dog I've met and "conversed" with via Skype. He is a Great Pyrenees mix. The goat dogs upon the Roan Highlands must be Great Pyrenees; they looked liked Harley except they are all white.
I stopped at the fence where the goats are contained. One dog came close to the the thin-wired volted fence. Our eyes and smiles met, his tail a-wagging and then he bounded off to work shepherding the maybe 25 goats.
My heart warmed.
I turned around and drank in the view. An ocean of mountains as far as one can see and blue sky stretched as an open canopy, a few clouds as dancers in the blue.
I love you Blue Ridge.
The whisper not only in my heart, but also upon my lips.
And I do love her...the Blue Ridge.
As I hiked with my 30 pounds on my back, over Jane Bald and toward the goats which are atop the balds to help control certain vegetation over growth, I spied a dog among the goats. The dog was running a bit with its fluffy white tail bouncing. And then I spied another.
I proclaimed aloud with only the goats and dogs and grasses and bees to hear me, "Harley dogs!" As a smile stretched from ear to ear atop the 6000-foot high mountain.
Harley is the name of a dog I've met and "conversed" with via Skype. He is a Great Pyrenees mix. The goat dogs upon the Roan Highlands must be Great Pyrenees; they looked liked Harley except they are all white.
I stopped at the fence where the goats are contained. One dog came close to the the thin-wired volted fence. Our eyes and smiles met, his tail a-wagging and then he bounded off to work shepherding the maybe 25 goats.
My heart warmed.
I turned around and drank in the view. An ocean of mountains as far as one can see and blue sky stretched as an open canopy, a few clouds as dancers in the blue.
I love you Blue Ridge.
The whisper not only in my heart, but also upon my lips.
And I do love her...the Blue Ridge.
August 28, 2011
My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations
Update: On January 14, 2014, New York state determined its ruling regarding Knapp's license. John M. Knapp was "...Found guilty of professional misconduct; Penalty: Revocation...Licensee was found guilty of practicing his profession with negligence, as well as with incompetence, on more than one occasion, and of unprofessional conduct." from January, 2014 Summaries of Regents Actions on Professional Misconduct and Discipline
Click the following links for what constitutes "professional misconduct" and "unprofessional conduct."
Professional Misconduct
Unprofessional Conduct
________
My statements below were initially posted Sunday evening, August 28, 2011. Knapp's defamatory posts and comments had begun on August 25, 2011, and continued through the beginning of September, 2011. He skipped state with no forwarding address in mid-September, 2011.
Other than John Knapp, names are disguised so that web search engines will not pick up those names.
To read an overview of events, click here: The Knapp Saga: For the Record
________
*****
August 28, 2011
Below are my statements in regard to accusations/allegations/false statements made by John M. Knapp, LMSW, in at least two of his blog posts on The Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse website (archived link; original link defunct as of October, 2011) , which are also posted (and apparently tagged) on Facebook.
Knapps post title: "Beware Ca*** We*** -Cyberstalker"
[The title of one of his posts (copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct) . (Original link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/138-beware-carol-welch%E2%80%94cyberstalker)]
My response: I have not engaged in cyber-stalking unless someone defines it as when a person reads the public online writings of someone else.
_________
Knapp states: Below I discuss a campaign she has been on for over a year to discredit me. I find her tactics, as I discuss below, terroristic, defamatory, and sadistically cruel.
My response: I have not issued a "campaign" against Knapp. I have come forward publicly with my story beginning March 23, 2011, with a post where I retract my previous endorsements of John M. Knapp. That post is here: John M. Knapp, LMSW: Endorsements Retraction I also have shared links to my blog in a thread I started here: John M. Knapp LMSW Retraction & Center 4 Healing CHSCA
_________
Knapp states: Ca*** We*** lodged a complaint with my licensing board last Septmember and has made false and defamatory statements in many places on the Internet, calling those clients of mine she knows at home and making false claims, and also calling colleagues, friends, and board members.
My response: If any claims I have made are false and defamatory, that should come out in the investigation. I have never called John's clients at home making false claims. I haven't called John's clients at all, other than one who is(was) a friend. Nor, have I ever called colleagues, friends and board members with false claims.
_________
Knapp states: Carol has loudly proclaimed that she does not care if she is breaking defamation or slander laws saying, “I will not be silenced!”
My response: I have not engaged in defamation unless defamation is defined as me coming forward with what happened to me under Knapp's care and after Knapp severed, in a harmful and hostile manner, communication with me. I have not lied in bringing forth my story. I went public in March, 2011, at least in part because of Knapp's public solicitation (including funds in the amount of $10,000) regarding his newly formed non-profit.
I have come forth with my story (and only parts of it) on my blog and on a thread at an online discussion board at Modchat. Both my blog and Modchat are on public search engines; so perhaps that constitutes "loudly". I recently revealed the abuse on another online forum for support after a recent triggering event. To my knowledge I have never proclaimed that I do not care if I break defamation or slander laws. [To access where I have used the words, I will not be silenced, click here: toss & ripple search results: I will not be silenced.]
_________
Knapp states: NO ONE to my knowledge, certainly not me, has attempted to silence or discourage her in any way during the year she has been pounding away.
My response: I have not been "pounding away" for a year; I first came forward publicly with John's name in March, 2011. Knapp severed communication with me in August, 2010, in a hostile manner, making it clear to me not to contact him.
It is true that Knapp never tried to silence me. On the other hand, the effect of John's verbal abuse and actions toward me on August 2 and August 3, 2010, had the same effect as silencing. Most anyone who has weathered spiritual (or other) abuse knows well the internal programmed silencing mechanism.
_________
Knapp states: Two years ago she engaged in something very similar in attacking M****** D**** of Greasespot Café making disparaging, damaging, and defamatory statements about Mic**** and other Greasespot subscribers on public forums.
My response: I came forward with part of my Greasespot story on the Modchat discussion board. I did not lie in coming forward with what happened to me and others. I was not out to defame, disparage, or damage anyone. I did share my story.
My Greasespot Cafe experience was harmful and involved false accusations/allegations toward me and others.
The main reason I hired John Knapp in the summer of 2008 was because of what happened to me on Greasespot in latter 2006 and in 2007. (I had left The Way International in October, 2005, after 28 years.) John validated my Greasespot experiences. Partly due to John's influence, I later decided to start a blog sharing my story via memoir. That blog is here and is currently on hold: Freedom Trek
_________
Knapp states: Unfortunately, Ca*** We*** has continuously contacted my clients with false claims for over a year.
My response: I have not continually contacted John's clients for over a year. I have not contacted, to my knowledge, any of John's clients until about one week ago.
On August 22, 2011, after over one year of when I had to abruptly drop the phone support group and in process of me continuing to come forward on my blog regarding my experience with Knapp, I wrote the three people with whom I had been friends (they also being John's clients) during our support group. I wrote them on August 22, 2011, to let them know I had come and was coming forward with what happened over a year ago. (I have posted the email I sent to these three people at the end of this page.) I also emailed them on August 28 to let them know that John's accusation that I made sexual propositions (copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct) to him multiple times and wanted to meet in a motel room are totally false. (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/143-desperate-for-attention-as-ever-lema-nal-rejoins-the-attack)
_________
Knapp states: One such client suffers from schizoaffective disorder. She was deeply disturbed by Carol's insistent claims and went into crisis shortly thereafter.
My response: I assume John is referring to one of his clients with whom I had become good friends via John's phone support group. We talked almost every day on the phone, sometimes multiple times. She called me and I called her. When John exacted the harm on August 2, I had to drop from the support group. All I told her at that time (I was distressed and teary at the time) was that I wouldn't be in group anymore, that I had apparently committed "a huge faux pas" and John no longer wanted to communicate with me. (As my manner was, I took the blame of the verbal abuse that John exacted.) On our almost, if not, daily phone calls, I did not bring up the subject of John again (though I was in much emotional distress) until a month later in response to a question she had posed via email a couple weeks earlier asking if I had ever discovered what I had done that was so wrong. She had also via email and via phone expressed multiple times her concerns with Knapp's boundary issues as a therapist and that sometimes she felt like she was the therapist and John was the client. She shared that with me without knowledge of what I had experienced; I had not shared with her at that point about my experiences with Knapp. It was after that (about one month after John's abuse toward me) that I revealed to her a snippet of the situation and that I had hired my local psychologist to help repair the damage. My friend also brought up, again without me ever sharing what John had shared with me about his mental health diagnosis, that she wondered if John suffered with multiple personality disorder (also known as dissociate identity disorder or DID) and that at times she was concerned John might commit suicide. After she expressed that at least three times I shared with her more about the details of my experiences with John and part of what he had shared with me regarding his mental health diagnosis. [To read a memoir-type blog piece I wrote on June 6, 2011, regarding part of this click here: Confidential Wedges.]
As stated previously, my friend called me by phone and I called her; we were friends. Our contact was a two-way street. Our communication became less beginning sometime in October, 2010. My last conversation with her about John was in December, 2010, shortly after someone had contacted me about their harmful experience with John.
Since December, 2010, I have called my friend three(?) times to check in with her and see how she is doing. I think the last time was sometime in March, 2011. In those phone conversations we did not discuss anything to do with Knapp; his name was never mentioned. (She had told me in December that she had returned to Knapp for counseling.) She shared with me in our last phone call (around March) that she had recently been hospitalized; she did not tell me it had anything to do with my relationship with her or Knapp. We had not discussed Knapp since the beginning of December. To my recollection my friend never told me she suffered with schizoaffective disorder, but rather with another mental health challenge.
The above is the only contact I have had or initiated with any of John's clients, which were all friends in the support group.
_________
Knapp states: One individual set up spam filters to deal with the barrage of “research links” she received from Carol.
My response: I have no idea what this is referring to. I have not spammed anyone.
_________
Knapp's statement: They’ve also spread rumors to friends, colleagues, board members.
My response: I have not spread any rumors. I have been forthright on my blog about my experiences with Knapp.
_________
Knapp states: Two board members, K****** M***** and A****** P*******, respected clergymen, recently abruptly resigned without offering the courtesy of relaying what the allegations were so that I could answer them. I guess Carol has a convincing way about her.
My response: I did not convince anyone to resign or take action in resigning from John's board. Anyone who has done so, has done so independently without any convincing from me.
_________
Knapp states: A fellow professional, M***** P*******, wrote me saying Ca*** We*** reported I made derogatory comments about Monica’s mental health. She was rightly concerned. Monica asked for my response—threatening she would complain to the National Association of Social Workers. Carol’s statement was false. I said so to Monica. I haven’t heard from her since.
My response: John stated in a private phone conversation with me around November, 2009, that he "wouldn't be surprised if Monica has borderline personality disorder." John later made a similar statement, in August, 2010, via email regarding L** (Le**) N** when he called L** "an apparent severe borderline."
_________
Knapp states: Within days after this three-way disagreement occurred, Carol posted the details, including my name, on her personal blog and at least one other public forum, stating she was considering legal action against me. Both my supervisor and lawyer advised me to not contact Carol in any way. Her psychologist did not contact me for her records or to discuss the situation. I attempted to contact her psychologist to transfer records as is the normal practice, but for whatever reason he chose not to answer my attempts.
My response: To my recollection, I did not publish John's name on my blog or elsewhere until March, 2011. To my knowledge I never stated I was considering legal action other than perhaps submitting a complaint to the state board (and I don't think I even stated that). My psychologist never received any messages or communication from John Knapp.
_________
Knapp states: Carol herself posted these statements publicly a week after our disagreement:
"I had been a client with a therapist for over two years. The therapist is very good at their profession and expertise. I had graduated (for lack of a better word) from therapy almost a year ago, but still remained in close contact with the therapist. (I think, in reality, I hadn’t really graduated.) ....
As I’ve pondered more the entire situation, taking in all the context of the previous weeks/months as well, I don’t think it was therapist abuse. I don’t think this therapist abuses their clients. They didn’t abuse me in any way, shape, or form during therapy. They helped me tremendously."
My response: I concur that I did post the above, never identifying myself or John at the time, on a mental health support board. I posted the abovetwo days within a week after John's abusive emails to me. I was processing and trying to come to terms with what happened. As time went on and more was revealed, it became more clear what had taken place. I still say, as in my complaint, that when our relationship was therapist/client John was a tremendous help and I considered him an excellent counselor. When the dual relationships began (as noted in my complaint), I became confused. The end result was John's abusive language and actions toward me.
_________
Knapp states: I also went further to allow her to not pay for months on end when she claimed financial hardship.
My response: I have Paypal records showing that I paid John for his services through the end of June, 2010. I never received pro bono service from him for months on end. July, 2010, is the only month I did not pay John.
_________
Knapp states: Carol was effusive in her praise of her work with me, both publicly and in private, for well over a year and a half.
My response: I concur that I was effusive in my praise of John's work, until his verbal and emotional abuse. Even then, it took me months to ferret through the damage and harm. I am still in process of healing from that.
_________
Knapp states: Finally, Carol’s attacks on my character started shortly after I made it clear to her that I would not engage in a sexual relationship of any kind with her, despite her oft-repeated requests after our therapeutic relationship ended.
My response: I never ever, ever, ever requested any sexual relationship with John Knapp. This is an outright fabrication. I never propositioned him in any way shape or manner, nor did I ever request for John and I to meet in a motel room in NY. My husband and I do not have an open marriage and I never stated that to John. The conversation John claims took place (which he posts here - copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct as of October, 2011) never happened. (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/143-desperate-for-attention-as-ever-lema-nal-rejoins-the-attack)
(It was from Knapp's comment here (link) that he shortly thereafter composed the corresponding now-defunct CHSCA "Desperate for attention as ever..." blog entry.)
_________
Knapp states: She has also engaged the support of M***** P*******.
My response: I never "engaged the support" of Dr. P*******. Dr. P******* and I never directly communicated about this subject in private until the weekend of 8/27/11. Prior to that, she had knowledge of the circumstances through my blog and the mutual acquaintance of L** (L***) N**. I never sent her any of the email exchanges between Knapp and I [until after his defamatory online public posts]. After John Knapp's posting of the defamatory blog posts on August 26, 2011, and following, I sent Monica a copy of one email that Knapp wrote to me in the summer of 2010. Dr. P*******'s defense on my behalf after Knapp posted his defamatory blog posts about me and her was an independent action she took without me ever contacting her.
(This statement and response was added to this blog on 9/01/11 after reading some of the statements Knapp makes in another post (copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct).) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/145-monica-pignotti-bfw-120-days-same-subject-and-counting.)
********
Following are my responses to the section in John Knapp's post subtitled "Internet Rumors: Putting Them to Rest"
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I use coercive influence on my clients, friends, and colleagues. [Ca*** We***/ l*** n**}
My response: To my recollection I never stated the above. Perhaps I did, but I don't know where.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I myself have DID. (Ca*** We***)
My response: I have never publicly shared what John revealed in an email to me on June, 10, 2010. For various reasons I have shared privately with certain parties John's diagnosis that he shared with me via email on June 10, 2010. I never took it lightly when I revealed that to anyone. I did not reveal it to anyone until after John's abuse toward me. I only reveal it here (for the fist time in a public venue) because John brings it up.
In John's email to me on June, 10, 2010 he states: "The last doctor I talked with, and my current therapist, have at least come to a diagnosis that they agree with—independently. They believe my main diagnosis should have been PTSD way back when. And that I have a decent case of DID. Yes, complete with alters." (At this point, I will not publicly post John's few subsequent sentences in that email that share additional details.)
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I “have a problem with ___.” Fill in the blank with your favorite cult-awareness organization or crusader. (M*** K*******, L*** N**, Ca*** We***)
My response: In multiple conversations with John he spoke disparagingly of the ICSA. In the phone support group he brought up that there was in fighting (or something to that effect). In an email he referred to the cult-recovery field as as an "abysmal failure." In a private phone conversation with me he stated that anyone coming out of the ISCA ilk has a paranoid mindset. I was led to believe that ICSA was not what it appears to be. Perhaps I read into some of John's words.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I don’t have the credentials to suggest ideas or treatment.
My response: I don't know who stated this. I didn't.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor:It’s a conflict of interest for me to run the Center for Healing and offer therapy as well. (Ste*** Has***, M*** K*******, Ca*** We***, L*** N**)
My response: I am not aware that I ever stated this. Others did share this with me.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I have practiced unethically and traumatized a client. (Ca*** We***, ad nauseum)
My response: I have experienced deep trauma due to John's verbal abuse and actions. That can be corroborated by my medical doctor, psychologist, and a handful of others. Anyone can read my complaint overview and decide if they think John's treatment toward me was unethical.
I supplied with my complaint a voluminous amount of emails as evidence. I later provided my Paypal records showing payment of my sessions with Knapp. It is up to the Board to decide if those emails are sufficient evidence or not. An anonymous version of my complaint overview can be read here: Complaint Overview. That version does not include the emails provided as evidence nor the accompanying summaries of the various incidents.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: Practicing counseling over the Internet is unethical.(L*** N**, Ca*** We*** via New York State Office of the Professions investigator)
My response: To my knowledge I have never stated that practicing counseling over the internet is unethical.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I offer miracle cures.
My response: I don't know who stated that John offers miracle cures. It wasn't me. I concur that John presented to me in therapy that his goal was for me to fire him and have the strength to provide my own validation and therapy (so to speak) for myself.
********
Following are blog posts by Dr. Monica Pignotti addressing Knapp's August/September, 2011, online posts:
Following are blog posts by Lom Nal addressing Knapp's August/September, 2011, online posts and Lom's personal experience:
Following is Shane Bugbee's CHSCA resignation post:
Following are additional posts by me addressing allegations by John Knapp that I did not address in my response above :
Here are links to copies of two of John Knapp's blog posts where he makes the accusations/allegations that I refer to in the body of this above blog entry, "My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations":
Following are links to copies of other posts written by John Knapp:
Following is the email I mention above that I sent on August 22, 2011, to the people with whom I participated in Knapp's support group. We all considered one another as friends while in the group. As noted above, one participant and I became good friends. I have changed names to protect identities.
[begin email]
Hey Cheryl and Al and Louise,
I hope this email finds ya'll and your families doing well.
I think about everyone from time to time and say a little prayer.
I also still have some pain when I think of the group sessions from over a year ago, because of how it all ended for me.
I'm writing this email to come forward about a bit of what happened. Louise knows some of it. I do not know what (if anything) John has ever shared with ya'll about what went down over a year ago.
The last time I think that Cheryl heard my voice was on Monday, July 26, 2010, on the group phone call that night. (I don't know if Al was there, but I think Cheryl and Louise were.) I was crying so hard I couldn't speak and just had to leave. I was crying because I was having deep anxiety and stress regarding a project I was working on with John and my confusion about John's and my relationships at that time. (Nothing romantic, but rather roles in which I had volunteered to help John with some projects.) I felt these were things I couldn't bring up in the group. I wrote John that night about my emotional turmoil. He and I talked the next day...and all was good.
But in less than a week, John cut off all communication with me in a harmful manner, after accusing me of things I was totally unaware that I had done (and that I didn't do). That same day that John cut off communication with me, I posted on Coffee and Pretzels that some things had come up and I wouldn't be at the group sessions anymore. I couldn't be; John wanted nothing to do with me and had made that clear in his harmful emails to me.
That all happened on August 2, 2010. I filed a formal complaint with the state of NY at the end of September, 2010. The investigation is still in process.
It was and has been a horrible experience for me. A handful of people have contacted me via email about some of their experiences with John as well.
I began coming forward publicly this past March, 2011, when John began to solicit funds and people for the Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse.
I am now coming forward with all of ya'll (though Louise does know some about the situation). I have posted links below if you are interested in reading any of them. I understand if you never read any of them, nor do I expect you to read any of them. I also understand if you never respond to this email or have anything to say about the matter.
Why am I sending this email to ya'll now? I do not know...other than it's been on my mind now for 3 days. I'm not really looking for advice, suggestions, etc., or even to discuss the matter. Though I can maybe answer any questions you might have. Perhaps I just want ya'll (to at least have the opportunity) to know what happened and why I left the group in such an abrupt manner. It was painful beyond words for me to drop from the group; I again felt an outcast and am continuing to work through feelings that I am tainted. The whole scenario still causes me trouble and I am still seeing a psychologist regarding and working through the damage and trauma.
So, that's that I guess.
Now I will timidly hit "send" on my computer screen.
To life and hope,
~carol
Links:
This week, I posted an email I sent to someone who recently wrote me asking about John. In that email I quote a few other people who have had similar experiences as I with John, I share a little more about my situation that isn't in the complaint, and I share a little more about what I think about John and his ethics of practice. That link is here:
Out of Hiding: 'Why shouldn't I hire John M. Knapp, LMSW?'
I recently posted the complaint summary overview that I submitted to NY State last year. It best outlines the events that led to John's harmful emails and cutting me off. If you are interested in reading that, the link is here:
Complaint Overview
My endorsements retraction post that I posted in March (when I first came forward) is here:
John M. Knapp, LMSW: Endorsements Retraction
It includes more information and other links.
Links to other things I have written about the trauma can be found here:
Journey Through Memoir (an index)
In order to access the pieces in which I have come forward with some of the information, one has to scroll down to the section entitled "June 26, 2011: Below is an index to blog entries about what happened with John M. Knapp, LMSW, my previous cult-recovery counselor."
[end email]
*****
[As of September 29, 2011, the CHSCA website, (which is linked above and within the body of this address has been, at least for the time being, taken down.However, the site (and articles) can still be accessed through an ISP address.To read a few of my thoughts regarding the 'disappearance' of the CHSCA site, click here: Similes & Metaphors. (As of January 8, 2012, the ISP address (184.154.238.114), has been suspended.) ]
[In November, 2012, a hearing was held in NY State before Knapp's Licensing Board. I was a witness for the state. Knapp did not show nor provide representation at the hearing.]
[In December, 2012, I brought forward for public record on toss & ripple copies of Knapp's original posts. Link: For the Record]
[In January, 2014, NY state determined its ruling. Knapp was found guilty of professional misconduct, along with negligence, incompetence, on more than one occasion, and unprofessional conduct. His license was revoked. Link: Ruling ]
Click the following links for what constitutes "professional misconduct" and "unprofessional conduct."
Professional Misconduct
Unprofessional Conduct
________
My statements below were initially posted Sunday evening, August 28, 2011. Knapp's defamatory posts and comments had begun on August 25, 2011, and continued through the beginning of September, 2011. He skipped state with no forwarding address in mid-September, 2011.
Other than John Knapp, names are disguised so that web search engines will not pick up those names.
To read an overview of events, click here: The Knapp Saga: For the Record
________
*****
August 28, 2011
Below are my statements in regard to accusations/allegations/false statements made by John M. Knapp, LMSW, in at least two of his blog posts on The Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse website (archived link; original link defunct as of October, 2011) , which are also posted (and apparently tagged) on Facebook.
Knapps post title: "Beware Ca*** We*** -Cyberstalker"
[The title of one of his posts (copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct) . (Original link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/138-beware-carol-welch%E2%80%94cyberstalker)]
My response: I have not engaged in cyber-stalking unless someone defines it as when a person reads the public online writings of someone else.
_________
Knapp states: Below I discuss a campaign she has been on for over a year to discredit me. I find her tactics, as I discuss below, terroristic, defamatory, and sadistically cruel.
My response: I have not issued a "campaign" against Knapp. I have come forward publicly with my story beginning March 23, 2011, with a post where I retract my previous endorsements of John M. Knapp. That post is here: John M. Knapp, LMSW: Endorsements Retraction I also have shared links to my blog in a thread I started here: John M. Knapp LMSW Retraction & Center 4 Healing CHSCA
_________
Knapp states: Ca*** We*** lodged a complaint with my licensing board last Septmember and has made false and defamatory statements in many places on the Internet, calling those clients of mine she knows at home and making false claims, and also calling colleagues, friends, and board members.
My response: If any claims I have made are false and defamatory, that should come out in the investigation. I have never called John's clients at home making false claims. I haven't called John's clients at all, other than one who is(was) a friend. Nor, have I ever called colleagues, friends and board members with false claims.
_________
Knapp states: Carol has loudly proclaimed that she does not care if she is breaking defamation or slander laws saying, “I will not be silenced!”
My response: I have not engaged in defamation unless defamation is defined as me coming forward with what happened to me under Knapp's care and after Knapp severed, in a harmful and hostile manner, communication with me. I have not lied in bringing forth my story. I went public in March, 2011, at least in part because of Knapp's public solicitation (including funds in the amount of $10,000) regarding his newly formed non-profit.
I have come forth with my story (and only parts of it) on my blog and on a thread at an online discussion board at Modchat. Both my blog and Modchat are on public search engines; so perhaps that constitutes "loudly". I recently revealed the abuse on another online forum for support after a recent triggering event. To my knowledge I have never proclaimed that I do not care if I break defamation or slander laws. [To access where I have used the words, I will not be silenced, click here: toss & ripple search results: I will not be silenced.]
_________
Knapp states: NO ONE to my knowledge, certainly not me, has attempted to silence or discourage her in any way during the year she has been pounding away.
My response: I have not been "pounding away" for a year; I first came forward publicly with John's name in March, 2011. Knapp severed communication with me in August, 2010, in a hostile manner, making it clear to me not to contact him.
It is true that Knapp never tried to silence me. On the other hand, the effect of John's verbal abuse and actions toward me on August 2 and August 3, 2010, had the same effect as silencing. Most anyone who has weathered spiritual (or other) abuse knows well the internal programmed silencing mechanism.
_________
Knapp states: Two years ago she engaged in something very similar in attacking M****** D**** of Greasespot Café making disparaging, damaging, and defamatory statements about Mic**** and other Greasespot subscribers on public forums.
My response: I came forward with part of my Greasespot story on the Modchat discussion board. I did not lie in coming forward with what happened to me and others. I was not out to defame, disparage, or damage anyone. I did share my story.
My Greasespot Cafe experience was harmful and involved false accusations/allegations toward me and others.
The main reason I hired John Knapp in the summer of 2008 was because of what happened to me on Greasespot in latter 2006 and in 2007. (I had left The Way International in October, 2005, after 28 years.) John validated my Greasespot experiences. Partly due to John's influence, I later decided to start a blog sharing my story via memoir. That blog is here and is currently on hold: Freedom Trek
_________
Knapp states: Unfortunately, Ca*** We*** has continuously contacted my clients with false claims for over a year.
My response: I have not continually contacted John's clients for over a year. I have not contacted, to my knowledge, any of John's clients until about one week ago.
On August 22, 2011, after over one year of when I had to abruptly drop the phone support group and in process of me continuing to come forward on my blog regarding my experience with Knapp, I wrote the three people with whom I had been friends (they also being John's clients) during our support group. I wrote them on August 22, 2011, to let them know I had come and was coming forward with what happened over a year ago. (I have posted the email I sent to these three people at the end of this page.) I also emailed them on August 28 to let them know that John's accusation that I made sexual propositions (copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct) to him multiple times and wanted to meet in a motel room are totally false. (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/143-desperate-for-attention-as-ever-lema-nal-rejoins-the-attack)
_________
Knapp states: One such client suffers from schizoaffective disorder. She was deeply disturbed by Carol's insistent claims and went into crisis shortly thereafter.
My response: I assume John is referring to one of his clients with whom I had become good friends via John's phone support group. We talked almost every day on the phone, sometimes multiple times. She called me and I called her. When John exacted the harm on August 2, I had to drop from the support group. All I told her at that time (I was distressed and teary at the time) was that I wouldn't be in group anymore, that I had apparently committed "a huge faux pas" and John no longer wanted to communicate with me. (As my manner was, I took the blame of the verbal abuse that John exacted.) On our almost, if not, daily phone calls, I did not bring up the subject of John again (though I was in much emotional distress) until a month later in response to a question she had posed via email a couple weeks earlier asking if I had ever discovered what I had done that was so wrong. She had also via email and via phone expressed multiple times her concerns with Knapp's boundary issues as a therapist and that sometimes she felt like she was the therapist and John was the client. She shared that with me without knowledge of what I had experienced; I had not shared with her at that point about my experiences with Knapp. It was after that (about one month after John's abuse toward me) that I revealed to her a snippet of the situation and that I had hired my local psychologist to help repair the damage. My friend also brought up, again without me ever sharing what John had shared with me about his mental health diagnosis, that she wondered if John suffered with multiple personality disorder (also known as dissociate identity disorder or DID) and that at times she was concerned John might commit suicide. After she expressed that at least three times I shared with her more about the details of my experiences with John and part of what he had shared with me regarding his mental health diagnosis. [To read a memoir-type blog piece I wrote on June 6, 2011, regarding part of this click here: Confidential Wedges.]
As stated previously, my friend called me by phone and I called her; we were friends. Our contact was a two-way street. Our communication became less beginning sometime in October, 2010. My last conversation with her about John was in December, 2010, shortly after someone had contacted me about their harmful experience with John.
Since December, 2010, I have called my friend three(?) times to check in with her and see how she is doing. I think the last time was sometime in March, 2011. In those phone conversations we did not discuss anything to do with Knapp; his name was never mentioned. (She had told me in December that she had returned to Knapp for counseling.) She shared with me in our last phone call (around March) that she had recently been hospitalized; she did not tell me it had anything to do with my relationship with her or Knapp. We had not discussed Knapp since the beginning of December. To my recollection my friend never told me she suffered with schizoaffective disorder, but rather with another mental health challenge.
The above is the only contact I have had or initiated with any of John's clients, which were all friends in the support group.
_________
Knapp states: One individual set up spam filters to deal with the barrage of “research links” she received from Carol.
My response: I have no idea what this is referring to. I have not spammed anyone.
_________
Knapp's statement: They’ve also spread rumors to friends, colleagues, board members.
My response: I have not spread any rumors. I have been forthright on my blog about my experiences with Knapp.
_________
Knapp states: Two board members, K****** M***** and A****** P*******, respected clergymen, recently abruptly resigned without offering the courtesy of relaying what the allegations were so that I could answer them. I guess Carol has a convincing way about her.
My response: I did not convince anyone to resign or take action in resigning from John's board. Anyone who has done so, has done so independently without any convincing from me.
_________
Knapp states: A fellow professional, M***** P*******, wrote me saying Ca*** We*** reported I made derogatory comments about Monica’s mental health. She was rightly concerned. Monica asked for my response—threatening she would complain to the National Association of Social Workers. Carol’s statement was false. I said so to Monica. I haven’t heard from her since.
My response: John stated in a private phone conversation with me around November, 2009, that he "wouldn't be surprised if Monica has borderline personality disorder." John later made a similar statement, in August, 2010, via email regarding L** (Le**) N** when he called L** "an apparent severe borderline."
_________
Knapp states: Within days after this three-way disagreement occurred, Carol posted the details, including my name, on her personal blog and at least one other public forum, stating she was considering legal action against me. Both my supervisor and lawyer advised me to not contact Carol in any way. Her psychologist did not contact me for her records or to discuss the situation. I attempted to contact her psychologist to transfer records as is the normal practice, but for whatever reason he chose not to answer my attempts.
My response: To my recollection, I did not publish John's name on my blog or elsewhere until March, 2011. To my knowledge I never stated I was considering legal action other than perhaps submitting a complaint to the state board (and I don't think I even stated that). My psychologist never received any messages or communication from John Knapp.
_________
Knapp states: Carol herself posted these statements publicly a week after our disagreement:
"I had been a client with a therapist for over two years. The therapist is very good at their profession and expertise. I had graduated (for lack of a better word) from therapy almost a year ago, but still remained in close contact with the therapist. (I think, in reality, I hadn’t really graduated.) ....
As I’ve pondered more the entire situation, taking in all the context of the previous weeks/months as well, I don’t think it was therapist abuse. I don’t think this therapist abuses their clients. They didn’t abuse me in any way, shape, or form during therapy. They helped me tremendously."
My response: I concur that I did post the above, never identifying myself or John at the time, on a mental health support board. I posted the above
_________
Knapp states: I also went further to allow her to not pay for months on end when she claimed financial hardship.
My response: I have Paypal records showing that I paid John for his services through the end of June, 2010. I never received pro bono service from him for months on end. July, 2010, is the only month I did not pay John.
_________
Knapp states: Carol was effusive in her praise of her work with me, both publicly and in private, for well over a year and a half.
My response: I concur that I was effusive in my praise of John's work, until his verbal and emotional abuse. Even then, it took me months to ferret through the damage and harm. I am still in process of healing from that.
_________
Knapp states: Finally, Carol’s attacks on my character started shortly after I made it clear to her that I would not engage in a sexual relationship of any kind with her, despite her oft-repeated requests after our therapeutic relationship ended.
My response: I never ever, ever, ever requested any sexual relationship with John Knapp. This is an outright fabrication. I never propositioned him in any way shape or manner, nor did I ever request for John and I to meet in a motel room in NY. My husband and I do not have an open marriage and I never stated that to John. The conversation John claims took place (which he posts here - copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct as of October, 2011) never happened. (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/143-desperate-for-attention-as-ever-lema-nal-rejoins-the-attack)
(It was from Knapp's comment here (link) that he shortly thereafter composed the corresponding now-defunct CHSCA "Desperate for attention as ever..." blog entry.)
_________
Knapp states: She has also engaged the support of M***** P*******.
My response: I never "engaged the support" of Dr. P*******. Dr. P******* and I never directly communicated about this subject in private until the weekend of 8/27/11. Prior to that, she had knowledge of the circumstances through my blog and the mutual acquaintance of L** (L***) N**. I never sent her any of the email exchanges between Knapp and I [until after his defamatory online public posts]. After John Knapp's posting of the defamatory blog posts on August 26, 2011, and following, I sent Monica a copy of one email that Knapp wrote to me in the summer of 2010. Dr. P*******'s defense on my behalf after Knapp posted his defamatory blog posts about me and her was an independent action she took without me ever contacting her.
(This statement and response was added to this blog on 9/01/11 after reading some of the statements Knapp makes in another post (copy of Knapp's post; original link defunct).) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/145-monica-pignotti-bfw-120-days-same-subject-and-counting.)
********
Following are my responses to the section in John Knapp's post subtitled "Internet Rumors: Putting Them to Rest"
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I use coercive influence on my clients, friends, and colleagues. [Ca*** We***/ l*** n**}
My response: To my recollection I never stated the above. Perhaps I did, but I don't know where.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I myself have DID. (Ca*** We***)
My response: I have never publicly shared what John revealed in an email to me on June, 10, 2010. For various reasons I have shared privately with certain parties John's diagnosis that he shared with me via email on June 10, 2010. I never took it lightly when I revealed that to anyone. I did not reveal it to anyone until after John's abuse toward me. I only reveal it here (for the fist time in a public venue) because John brings it up.
In John's email to me on June, 10, 2010 he states: "The last doctor I talked with, and my current therapist, have at least come to a diagnosis that they agree with—independently. They believe my main diagnosis should have been PTSD way back when. And that I have a decent case of DID. Yes, complete with alters." (At this point, I will not publicly post John's few subsequent sentences in that email that share additional details.)
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I “have a problem with ___.” Fill in the blank with your favorite cult-awareness organization or crusader. (M*** K*******, L*** N**, Ca*** We***)
My response: In multiple conversations with John he spoke disparagingly of the ICSA. In the phone support group he brought up that there was in fighting (or something to that effect). In an email he referred to the cult-recovery field as as an "abysmal failure." In a private phone conversation with me he stated that anyone coming out of the ISCA ilk has a paranoid mindset. I was led to believe that ICSA was not what it appears to be. Perhaps I read into some of John's words.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I don’t have the credentials to suggest ideas or treatment.
My response: I don't know who stated this. I didn't.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor:It’s a conflict of interest for me to run the Center for Healing and offer therapy as well. (Ste*** Has***, M*** K*******, Ca*** We***, L*** N**)
My response: I am not aware that I ever stated this. Others did share this with me.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I have practiced unethically and traumatized a client. (Ca*** We***, ad nauseum)
My response: I have experienced deep trauma due to John's verbal abuse and actions. That can be corroborated by my medical doctor, psychologist, and a handful of others. Anyone can read my complaint overview and decide if they think John's treatment toward me was unethical.
I supplied with my complaint a voluminous amount of emails as evidence. I later provided my Paypal records showing payment of my sessions with Knapp. It is up to the Board to decide if those emails are sufficient evidence or not. An anonymous version of my complaint overview can be read here: Complaint Overview. That version does not include the emails provided as evidence nor the accompanying summaries of the various incidents.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: Practicing counseling over the Internet is unethical.(L*** N**, Ca*** We*** via New York State Office of the Professions investigator)
My response: To my knowledge I have never stated that practicing counseling over the internet is unethical.
_________
Knapp states the alleged rumor: I offer miracle cures.
My response: I don't know who stated that John offers miracle cures. It wasn't me. I concur that John presented to me in therapy that his goal was for me to fire him and have the strength to provide my own validation and therapy (so to speak) for myself.
********
Following are blog posts by Dr. Monica Pignotti addressing Knapp's August/September, 2011, online posts:
- Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse (CHSCA): Some Questions to Advisory Board Members and Staff
- John Knapp, LMSW: Timeline of My Very Limited Contacts With Him
- Prediction Comes True: Birds of a Feather Flock Together by Hitting Below the Belt
- What is a Dual Relationship?
- Update: Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse
Following are blog posts by Lom Nal addressing Knapp's August/September, 2011, online posts and Lom's personal experience:
- John Knapp Blames the Victim
- John Knapp Blames the Victim (Part 2)
- John Knapp Blames the Victim (Part 3)
- My Personal Experience with John Knapp
- John Knapp Leaves New York State
- Updates on John Knapp and the CHSCA
Following is Shane Bugbee's CHSCA resignation post:
Following are additional posts by me addressing allegations by John Knapp that I did not address in my response above :
- It could have been avoided.....
- Ducks waddle and quack like ducks
- Continuing to address some statements: DID, not dissociation
- More mistruths, half-truths, un-truths
Here are links to copies of two of John Knapp's blog posts where he makes the accusations/allegations that I refer to in the body of this above blog entry, "My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations":
- Desperate for Attention as Ever, L*** N** Rejoins the Attack (copy of Knapp's blog entry) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/143-desperate-for-attention-as-ever-lema-nal-rejoins-the-attack)
- Beware Ca*** We***—Cyberstalker Featured (copy of Knapp's blog entry) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/138-beware-carol-welch%E2%80%94cyberstalker)
Following are links to copies of other posts written by John Knapp:
- More Ca*** We***, Cyberstalker Crap—featuring M***** P*******, PhD (copy of Knapp's blog entry) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/140-more-carol-welch-cyberstalker-crap%E2%80%94featuring-monica-pignotti-phd)
- More Ca*** We*** Fan Mail from Flounders: M***** P*******, Ph.Fucking.D. (copy of Knapp's blog entry) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/141-more-carol-welch-fan-mail-from-flounders-monica-pignotti-phfuckingd)
- More Ca*** We*** "Private" Fluff and Bluster from M***** P*******, Ph.Fucking.Unemployed.D. (copy of Knapp's blog entry) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/142-more-carol-welch-private-fluff-and-bluster-from-monica-pignotti-phfuckingunemployedd)
- M***** P******* B.F.W. Can NOT Stop Herself. So I Blocked Her. (copy of Knapp's blog entry)(Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/144-monica-pignotti-bfw-can-not-stop-herself-so-i-blocked-her)
- M***** P*******, B.F.W., 120 DAYS Same Subject—and Counting! (copy of Knapp's blog entry) (Original now-defunct link: http://thechsca.org/blogs/reckless-speculation/item/145-monica-pignotti-bfw-120-days-same-subject-and-counting)
Following is the email I mention above that I sent on August 22, 2011, to the people with whom I participated in Knapp's support group. We all considered one another as friends while in the group. As noted above, one participant and I became good friends. I have changed names to protect identities.
[begin email]
Hey Cheryl and Al and Louise,
I hope this email finds ya'll and your families doing well.
I think about everyone from time to time and say a little prayer.
I also still have some pain when I think of the group sessions from over a year ago, because of how it all ended for me.
I'm writing this email to come forward about a bit of what happened. Louise knows some of it. I do not know what (if anything) John has ever shared with ya'll about what went down over a year ago.
The last time I think that Cheryl heard my voice was on Monday, July 26, 2010, on the group phone call that night. (I don't know if Al was there, but I think Cheryl and Louise were.) I was crying so hard I couldn't speak and just had to leave. I was crying because I was having deep anxiety and stress regarding a project I was working on with John and my confusion about John's and my relationships at that time. (Nothing romantic, but rather roles in which I had volunteered to help John with some projects.) I felt these were things I couldn't bring up in the group. I wrote John that night about my emotional turmoil. He and I talked the next day...and all was good.
But in less than a week, John cut off all communication with me in a harmful manner, after accusing me of things I was totally unaware that I had done (and that I didn't do). That same day that John cut off communication with me, I posted on Coffee and Pretzels that some things had come up and I wouldn't be at the group sessions anymore. I couldn't be; John wanted nothing to do with me and had made that clear in his harmful emails to me.
That all happened on August 2, 2010. I filed a formal complaint with the state of NY at the end of September, 2010. The investigation is still in process.
It was and has been a horrible experience for me. A handful of people have contacted me via email about some of their experiences with John as well.
I began coming forward publicly this past March, 2011, when John began to solicit funds and people for the Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse.
I am now coming forward with all of ya'll (though Louise does know some about the situation). I have posted links below if you are interested in reading any of them. I understand if you never read any of them, nor do I expect you to read any of them. I also understand if you never respond to this email or have anything to say about the matter.
Why am I sending this email to ya'll now? I do not know...other than it's been on my mind now for 3 days. I'm not really looking for advice, suggestions, etc., or even to discuss the matter. Though I can maybe answer any questions you might have. Perhaps I just want ya'll (to at least have the opportunity) to know what happened and why I left the group in such an abrupt manner. It was painful beyond words for me to drop from the group; I again felt an outcast and am continuing to work through feelings that I am tainted. The whole scenario still causes me trouble and I am still seeing a psychologist regarding and working through the damage and trauma.
So, that's that I guess.
Now I will timidly hit "send" on my computer screen.
To life and hope,
~carol
Links:
This week, I posted an email I sent to someone who recently wrote me asking about John. In that email I quote a few other people who have had similar experiences as I with John, I share a little more about my situation that isn't in the complaint, and I share a little more about what I think about John and his ethics of practice. That link is here:
Out of Hiding: 'Why shouldn't I hire John M. Knapp, LMSW?'
I recently posted the complaint summary overview that I submitted to NY State last year. It best outlines the events that led to John's harmful emails and cutting me off. If you are interested in reading that, the link is here:
Complaint Overview
My endorsements retraction post that I posted in March (when I first came forward) is here:
John M. Knapp, LMSW: Endorsements Retraction
It includes more information and other links.
Links to other things I have written about the trauma can be found here:
Journey Through Memoir (an index)
In order to access the pieces in which I have come forward with some of the information, one has to scroll down to the section entitled "June 26, 2011: Below is an index to blog entries about what happened with John M. Knapp, LMSW, my previous cult-recovery counselor."
[end email]
*****
[As of September 29, 2011, the CHSCA website, (which is linked above and within the body of this address has been, at least for the time being, taken down.
[In November, 2012, a hearing was held in NY State before Knapp's Licensing Board. I was a witness for the state. Knapp did not show nor provide representation at the hearing.]
[In December, 2012, I brought forward for public record on toss & ripple copies of Knapp's original posts. Link: For the Record]
[In January, 2014, NY state determined its ruling. Knapp was found guilty of professional misconduct, along with negligence, incompetence, on more than one occasion, and unprofessional conduct. His license was revoked. Link: Ruling ]
August 23, 2011
One effect of dual relationships in a therapeutic relationship
Below are emails I wrote to my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, on July 26, 2010.
I bring them forward (at least partly) as an example of where a client may find themselves if they enter into dual relationships with their mental health therapist.
In the positions in which I had volunteered and was solicited for, I found myself very confused and being triggered back into issues I had stemming (at least in part) from my 28-year involvement with The Way International and with fear of authority (not an unusual fear for ex-cultists).
The emails, which demonstrate my state of mind at the time, clearly show that these issues were exasperated. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....the dual relationships could have been a stepping stone in healing and learning to overcome some of my challenges. That is what I thought at the time and was led to believe.
But, alas, that is not what happened. Instead the therapist used my vulnerabilities against me.
IMO, at this point, dual relationships of the nature in which I found myself should be altogether avoided. Any dual relationships need to be carefully monitored and tenderly watched over if and when they are entered into within the therapeutic relationship.
The context of these emails:
On the evening of July 26, I had called to participate in the phone support group that Knapp facilitated of which I was a core member, but I was crying uncontrollably due to the distress of my discomfort and confusion regarding my relationship(s) with Knapp. I felt this was something I couldn't bring up in the phone support group; other members did not know about my working with John as a co-administrator on his the online cult-recovery and activist discussion board and on his then still formulating non-profit. So I simply said I had to leave the group that night. I then wrote John the emails (below) and John and I set an appointment for me for the following day.
On July, 27, via Skype, Knapp and I discussed the content of my emails including my challenges with fear of authority and fear of abandonment. That discussion/counsel was helpful and I was thankful to have a "safe" place to process and continue to work through some of these challenges, or so I thought. Within a week, on August 2, Knapp cut off communication with me in a hostile manner and made it very clear he wanted no contact with me. July 26, 2010, ended up being my last attendance at the phone support group which I had been part of since 2008.
[begin emails]:
______________________
Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 8:35 PM
If you happen to check your email...while on the phone call tonight....Monday night.
I'll probably not call back.
I just feel....too....needy. And I don't even know what to say. And I think I'll just watch a video of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson to help me laugh.
I feel very much like a burden. And of course want to say I'm sorry...multiple times.
*barf*
Just is was it is, I guess. :-/
Maybe we could talk sometime this week, if you have some time. I understand if not.
Thanks John,
cw
ps: I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just weepy and moody and some stuff....
______________________
Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 11:56 PM
Well....the movie was good. Wish life could be so .... movie-ish. :-/
....O.K....on the 1:00 [appointment for July 27], if it is still open by the time you get this. (And I bite my tongue in order to not apologize.)
I feel bad about needing yet another one-on-one this week. I just had one last week.
I think, "What the fuck is wrong w/me that I need a counselor so often?"
I'm embarrassed about it. I'm embarrassed about my needs. I'm embarrassed that I feel like such a child.
And again I want to apologize....and I'm embarrassed about feeling I should apologize.
It's like I am apologizing for my existence, apologizing for being needy, apologizing for having the emotional and mental challenges I have, apologizing for my "weakness(es)."
It makes my stomach turn. It makes me wish I were invisible. It makes me wish...that...I was someone else. Whom, I don't know. Probably someone in a movie; like Mowgli on Jungle Book...or Baloo the Bear. I always liked Balloo..he was one of my favorites when I was 8 years old.
I guess I should (embarrassingly) send you what I wrote earlier tonight.
I don't want to send it, but I think I should.
*pause and reread the above*
Something else, reading over this before I send it to you. I recognize that I want to be 'parented.' Perhaps I'll always have that need, that void...the lack of mothering void. Hell, I'm 51. I can't imagine if that need hasn't been filled yet, that it will ever be filled.
I remember Dr. McColloch's answer when I asked, "When will that void [ie: the void left from parental abandonment/neglect (which I still dismiss as me making a mountain out of a mole hill)] ever be filled?" And his answer was, "Possibly never..."
It seems like I'd be used to it by now. :-/
Sorry for the ramble. Scroll down to read what I wrote earlier this evening.
I'm so sorry John.... :-(
~carol
*******************
The following is about the Knapp Family Counseling project stuff. And about my struggle with it, with maneuvering this new relationship....I'm hesitant to (again) bring it up. I don't want to trigger (for lack of a better word) John or cause a mess out of something that is good. Oh yuck...o.k. .... here goes....below the arrows....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I weekly struggle with this project. I feel that when I speak with John, there must always be a reason. It should be business. I need to keep our talks short and to the point. His time is valuable and I shouldn't have these needs or at least I should be able to meet my needs myself, without validation from John...or Lema, for that matter. Oh yuck...my stomach turns.
I miss the therapeutic relationship. I don't know how to bring this up.I have found myself checking over and over any written information re the project, and in any personal correspondence with John. I feel I must be to the point, precise, exact..."just the facts mam" approach. I have started a few times to write regarding this and I delete it all.
I feel myself hesitant to approach John.
All these little signs are not good. Yet I have difficulty bringing them up, bringing them forward. My mind becomes somewhat of a mush...foggy...Another signal that I need to speak up.
I feel silly, immature, quite unprofessional and lacking knowledge...in comparison to John ...and Lema.
I too often don't feel professional enough. I even feel not good enough. And then I feel I put up a front.
My stomach turns again.
I am afraid to bring these things up. I am afraid I'll be deemed too unstable to continue with this project. Too needy. Taking things too personally. Too ambivalent. Non-decisive. And that I may cause Lema or John a feeling that they need to walk tenderly around me for fear that I may get triggered. Get triggered into the challenges I write about in the above few paragraphs. And I don't want them to feel that way or have to be that way around me. It makes me feel sick to think of that.
I'm not even sure how to communicate exactly what it is I feel. I am afraid that if I try, I'll just stumble over my words and then enter into that silent territory...where I feel I haven't expressed myself authentically. Where I feel is my *place.* A certain place where I am to behave a certain way. A place of not speaking up because my words are stupid. And I don't know how to describe that...I get foggy again..and I get tense.
I must send this email. For if I don't...I again fall prey to my own silencing mechanisms. I cannot do that.
Send the email Carol...send the email.
[end]
______________________
Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:11 AM
After effect of sending [the email]:
I fear abandonment. I guess for making my needs known. :-/
Just thought I should let you [John] know that too...
______________________
Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:39 AM
Another thing....
Part of this is hormonal...part of it.
And I'd be feeling bad about myself about something other than the Knapp Family Counseling project. Not sure what...parenting, personhood, some other relationship...
I think that's all now...
______________________
Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:24 PM
A few other things I thought of:
The Pawtucket incident & the incident last week during the meeting.
I fear rejection...which I would think is along the lines of abandonment.
The movie Billy Jack...the second movie. I think of the woman crossing the street with the boy. Unable to face what did happen, wanting to shield from that. I don't want to do that. I don't want to pretend I don't have these challenges. If I do, they will only come out later...in some way....even in a way that I may not recognize where they come from.
I also feel that now is the time for me to work on these challenges. What safer place could I have than with John and Lema? And also do it while doing the project, something I've wanted since I've started blogging...a platform, recognition, a healthy environment in which to help folks (including myself). And if I can grow beyond these challenges, I'll have more under my belt to draw upon to be able help others.
______________________
[end emails]
I bring them forward (at least partly) as an example of where a client may find themselves if they enter into dual relationships with their mental health therapist.
In the positions in which I had volunteered and was solicited for, I found myself very confused and being triggered back into issues I had stemming (at least in part) from my 28-year involvement with The Way International and with fear of authority (not an unusual fear for ex-cultists).
The emails, which demonstrate my state of mind at the time, clearly show that these issues were exasperated. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....the dual relationships could have been a stepping stone in healing and learning to overcome some of my challenges. That is what I thought at the time and was led to believe.
But, alas, that is not what happened. Instead the therapist used my vulnerabilities against me.
IMO, at this point, dual relationships of the nature in which I found myself should be altogether avoided. Any dual relationships need to be carefully monitored and tenderly watched over if and when they are entered into within the therapeutic relationship.
The context of these emails:
On the evening of July 26, I had called to participate in the phone support group that Knapp facilitated of which I was a core member, but I was crying uncontrollably due to the distress of my discomfort and confusion regarding my relationship(s) with Knapp. I felt this was something I couldn't bring up in the phone support group; other members did not know about my working with John as a co-administrator on his the online cult-recovery and activist discussion board and on his then still formulating non-profit. So I simply said I had to leave the group that night. I then wrote John the emails (below) and John and I set an appointment for me for the following day.
On July, 27, via Skype, Knapp and I discussed the content of my emails including my challenges with fear of authority and fear of abandonment. That discussion/counsel was helpful and I was thankful to have a "safe" place to process and continue to work through some of these challenges, or so I thought. Within a week, on August 2, Knapp cut off communication with me in a hostile manner and made it very clear he wanted no contact with me. July 26, 2010, ended up being my last attendance at the phone support group which I had been part of since 2008.
[begin emails]:
______________________
Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 8:35 PM
If you happen to check your email...while on the phone call tonight....Monday night.
I'll probably not call back.
I just feel....too....needy. And I don't even know what to say. And I think I'll just watch a video of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson to help me laugh.
I feel very much like a burden. And of course want to say I'm sorry...multiple times.
*barf*
Just is was it is, I guess. :-/
Maybe we could talk sometime this week, if you have some time. I understand if not.
Thanks John,
cw
ps: I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just weepy and moody and some stuff....
______________________
Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 11:56 PM
Well....the movie was good. Wish life could be so .... movie-ish. :-/
....O.K....on the 1:00 [appointment for July 27], if it is still open by the time you get this. (And I bite my tongue in order to not apologize.)
I feel bad about needing yet another one-on-one this week. I just had one last week.
I think, "What the fuck is wrong w/me that I need a counselor so often?"
I'm embarrassed about it. I'm embarrassed about my needs. I'm embarrassed that I feel like such a child.
And again I want to apologize....and I'm embarrassed about feeling I should apologize.
It's like I am apologizing for my existence, apologizing for being needy, apologizing for having the emotional and mental challenges I have, apologizing for my "weakness(es)."
It makes my stomach turn. It makes me wish I were invisible. It makes me wish...that...I was someone else. Whom, I don't know. Probably someone in a movie; like Mowgli on Jungle Book...or Baloo the Bear. I always liked Balloo..he was one of my favorites when I was 8 years old.
I guess I should (embarrassingly) send you what I wrote earlier tonight.
I don't want to send it, but I think I should.
*pause and reread the above*
Something else, reading over this before I send it to you. I recognize that I want to be 'parented.' Perhaps I'll always have that need, that void...the lack of mothering void. Hell, I'm 51. I can't imagine if that need hasn't been filled yet, that it will ever be filled.
I remember Dr. McColloch's answer when I asked, "When will that void [ie: the void left from parental abandonment/neglect (which I still dismiss as me making a mountain out of a mole hill)] ever be filled?" And his answer was, "Possibly never..."
It seems like I'd be used to it by now. :-/
Sorry for the ramble. Scroll down to read what I wrote earlier this evening.
I'm so sorry John.... :-(
~carol
*******************
The following is about the Knapp Family Counseling project stuff. And about my struggle with it, with maneuvering this new relationship....I'm hesitant to (again) bring it up. I don't want to trigger (for lack of a better word) John or cause a mess out of something that is good. Oh yuck...o.k. .... here goes....below the arrows....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I weekly struggle with this project. I feel that when I speak with John, there must always be a reason. It should be business. I need to keep our talks short and to the point. His time is valuable and I shouldn't have these needs or at least I should be able to meet my needs myself, without validation from John...or Lema, for that matter. Oh yuck...my stomach turns.
I miss the therapeutic relationship. I don't know how to bring this up.I have found myself checking over and over any written information re the project, and in any personal correspondence with John. I feel I must be to the point, precise, exact..."just the facts mam" approach. I have started a few times to write regarding this and I delete it all.
I feel myself hesitant to approach John.
All these little signs are not good. Yet I have difficulty bringing them up, bringing them forward. My mind becomes somewhat of a mush...foggy...Another signal that I need to speak up.
I feel silly, immature, quite unprofessional and lacking knowledge...in comparison to John ...and Lema.
I too often don't feel professional enough. I even feel not good enough. And then I feel I put up a front.
My stomach turns again.
I am afraid to bring these things up. I am afraid I'll be deemed too unstable to continue with this project. Too needy. Taking things too personally. Too ambivalent. Non-decisive. And that I may cause Lema or John a feeling that they need to walk tenderly around me for fear that I may get triggered. Get triggered into the challenges I write about in the above few paragraphs. And I don't want them to feel that way or have to be that way around me. It makes me feel sick to think of that.
I'm not even sure how to communicate exactly what it is I feel. I am afraid that if I try, I'll just stumble over my words and then enter into that silent territory...where I feel I haven't expressed myself authentically. Where I feel is my *place.* A certain place where I am to behave a certain way. A place of not speaking up because my words are stupid. And I don't know how to describe that...I get foggy again..and I get tense.
I must send this email. For if I don't...I again fall prey to my own silencing mechanisms. I cannot do that.
Send the email Carol...send the email.
[end]
______________________
Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:11 AM
After effect of sending [the email]:
I fear abandonment. I guess for making my needs known. :-/
Just thought I should let you [John] know that too...
______________________
Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:39 AM
Another thing....
Part of this is hormonal...part of it.
And I'd be feeling bad about myself about something other than the Knapp Family Counseling project. Not sure what...parenting, personhood, some other relationship...
I think that's all now...
______________________
Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:24 PM
A few other things I thought of:
The Pawtucket incident & the incident last week during the meeting.
I fear rejection...which I would think is along the lines of abandonment.
The movie Billy Jack...the second movie. I think of the woman crossing the street with the boy. Unable to face what did happen, wanting to shield from that. I don't want to do that. I don't want to pretend I don't have these challenges. If I do, they will only come out later...in some way....even in a way that I may not recognize where they come from.
I also feel that now is the time for me to work on these challenges. What safer place could I have than with John and Lema? And also do it while doing the project, something I've wanted since I've started blogging...a platform, recognition, a healthy environment in which to help folks (including myself). And if I can grow beyond these challenges, I'll have more under my belt to draw upon to be able help others.
______________________
[end emails]
August 21, 2011
"Circle of Life"
Another day with two posts in one.
Alas, this is simply a video.
Lion King is probably my favorite Disney movie.
Circle of Life is definitely one of my favorite songs.
And this is an awesome video.
Life, worth living.
Breath, worth breathing.
Alas, this is simply a video.
Lion King is probably my favorite Disney movie.
Circle of Life is definitely one of my favorite songs.
And this is an awesome video.
Life, worth living.
Breath, worth breathing.
Out of Hiding: 'Why shouldn't I hire John M. Knapp, LMSW?'
Lately I've had anxiety (again) stemming (again) from the trauma experienced at the words and actions of my ex-counselor, John M. Knapp, LMSW. That experience happened over a year ago. (Click here to read my endorsements retraction.)
This morning as I was out walking some canine friends I recognized that I was trying to avoid feeling the anxiety and depression that has raised its head recently.
I realized that to try to force my way out of the anxiety, doesn't work. To pretend the trauma never happened doesn't work. To distract myself with other activities helps some; yet, a subtle undercurrent continues. To recall the vast atrocities in history helps some by putting my little, peon experience into perspective; yet, that doesn't rid the emotions that the undercurrent brings onto shore.
As I continued to walk my two canine dachshund friends watching their tiny little legs move ever so quickly and briskly making it appear that their feet barely touch the ground, I grounded my own emotions by checking in with my heart. And I heart soaked; that is I embraced the anxiety and depression. I didn't push it away or try to control it or try to distract myself from it. I let it sit in my heart and asked myself, "Why? Why am I having trouble with this now? What triggered it? Don't be afraid, just look. You are safe."
The answer I got, which is probably only a partial answer as some many answers in life seem to be: This got stirred up with the recent email you received, the one asking about Knapp.
During my heart soak, I also realized that I am not more vocal about the trauma/situation because I am trying to protect someone or something. "What or who are you trying to protect?"
Yourself? Yes, I think that is partly it. To reopen the wounds on a continual basis isn't healthy. I want to be able to manage that better and heal. It hurts, it just plain old hurts.
John? Perhaps. John is not all bad. And I wish I still had a good relationship with John, but he is the one that shunned me. These things did happen. He has many people that don't know this side of him, that don't know how manipulative and verbally abusive he can be.
Those in therapy with John? Yes, definitely. That's a clincher. I don't want to undermine someone else's recovery process. Will the truth do that, will it undermine another's recovery? It can appear that way in the short run. But in the long run, I believe that the truth is what brings restoration. Cover-up just delays the stench.
The recent anxiety-triggering email I received was (another) inquiry regarding Knapp. This time it wasn't from a cult-recovery activist who knows Knapp but from someone in need of counseling after involvement in a cult.
A question in the email (slightly adapted to maintain anonymity) was: "Can you tell me exactly why I shouldn't hire John?"
Below is my response (slightly adapted to maintain anonymity of the person who inquired):
********************
(Summer, 2011: my email response)
Hey [...],
This is not an easy email for me to compose. I'm left wondering how much to share and I feel my own inside panic. As stated in various places in different blog posts, one of the hardest things I ever did was to file the complaint on John; deciding to go public with some of the information has been almost as equally hard.
You asked me, "Can you tell me exactly why I shouldn't hire John?" I don't know if I can answer that specific question as far as why you should not hire him. Your relationship with John would be yours. It may be healthy and stay that way. In no way do I want to undermine anyone's recovery process. I do suggest if you have any little red flags, that you (of course) listen to them.
All I can share with you is my experience and why I can't hire John.
The short answer (and only part of the answer) is that I cannot hire John because he harmed me, plain and simple. He accused me of things I had no idea that I had done (and I didn't do). He then cut off (in an abrupt and harmful manner, to say the least) communication with me making it impossible to reconcile the situation. Then, via email to another client in which he twisted what had happened, he justified and rationalized and minimized the impact of his actions.
John, I'm sure, has his side of the story. I do not know what his side is (other than the bit he wrote to the other client in September, 2010). He chose to close the door to any sort of communication, thus making any discussion and reconciliation impossible.
Because of my experience, because of a handful of other people's experiences, because I have had a professional read emails and observe John's online behavior as impartially as one can do so, and because of other stuff that I simply don't have the energy to write about now....I question John's competence as a mental health counselor. (To borrow what another person stated: "Oh, the complexities and mixed messages with John have been many. Others come to mind as I type here, but there is no need to give the details."). I believe he has boundary issues that can compromise (and end up harming, as in my situation) relationships with his clients. I also think his online activity in social networks is risky in regard to his clients. IMO, and from my experience and a handful of others who have shared with me their experiences, I think John exhibits anti-social traits outside normal perimeters, especially what would be acceptable for someone who is a mental health counselor.
[Here is a link regarding the Code of Ethics for Social Workers.
As a resource regarding online ethics regarding interaction between client and therapist on social networks, you can read here: Ethical Framework for the Use of Social Media by Mental Health Professionals.]
This blog post states in short what John accused me of. It may not seem like much. However, for me with my history and issues, it was devastating. John used my deepest vulnerabilities against me, and then brushed his words and actions aside.
Previously I felt John was an excellent counselor when our relationship was client-therapist. When it became client-therapist-friend-colleague, the relationship went awry one step and a time. Looking back, I did have some tiny red flags along the way. I chose to ignore them; after all, it was John. I could trust John...or so I thought.
In a separate email, I am going to send you an anonymous version of the complaint summary overview I filed with the state of NY. That will best outline what it is that happened to me, if you decide to read it.
That email to you will not include corresponding emails that I sent as evidence; nor does it include the other summaries, which I sent with the complaint packet to NY, explaining the context of the situation(s). Due to the voluminous amount of emails, the complaint packet I sent to New York was about an inch thick. The investigation is still in process.
Nor does the anonymous summary that I am sending you mention the handful of other people (who either I contacted or who contacted me) who have experienced similar harm as I in their relationships with John. Someone was first sent my way beginning within a week after John cut me off. The last person to contact me about their harmful experience with Knapp has been within the past couple months. Please note that, to my knowledge, these people were never clients of John; they were in 'colleague' type roles.
One person who contacted me said: "I felt like John put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger."
Another stated: "I felt like John used me."
Another stated: "I had reservations about him as a therapist because of the anger in some of his online writings [...] That was prior to my learning of some other folks' difficulties with him. [...] Again, please take it into your psyche when I reiterate that I'm sure you did NOthing to provoke his outburst. I can be assured of that because John has likewise attacked me [...] on a number of occasions. His attacks to me were surprising and irrelevant. I don't trust either his praise nor his attacks. John's emotional swings felt abusive and manipulative, but I didn't take them personally."
Another stated: "I hope that you [...]can take a healthy step back and observe John’s actions … it’s not you – I don’t think John is stable at all but he’s twisting it on you [...]. [...] And it is a pattern of behavior over the past."
I am not proud to have reported John nor to have gone public with the small bit of information that I have gone public with. (Many details are left out, as you noted in your initial email.) I felt in a no-win situation. It makes my stomach turn. :-/ It has been a horrible and traumatic experience for me. I never, in my wildest imagination, thought I'd ever be posting what I have posted on my blog.
I'll be glad to try to answer any questions you may have. Some questions I may not be able to answer due to protecting my own emotional health and the triggers I still deal with. Some I may not be able to answer (if the questions are about other people's experiences) because I am not at liberty to share those.
You may decide to hire John. As long as the relationship is kept as client-therapist, it may be great and benefit you tremendously. I would suggest that if the relationship with John starts to veer outside a client-therapist relationship (and into, for example, a co-activist/colleague/friend-type relationship), that it would be time to get another therapist. John's services are not irreplacable, of course; there are other competent therapists who understand cult dynamics.
I hope this email isn't too long and I hope it is somewhat clear.
Best to you,
[my name]
[my phone number]
********************
Notes:
Less that a week after this blog entry was posted (which was around the same time I made public the anonymous version of my complaint), John Knapp began his defamatory online rants regarding myself, Dr. Monica Pignotti, Lema (Lom) Nal, and a few others. He made statements as fact that are outright fabrications. For me the worst of these were that I had undermined a friend's mental health sending her to the hospital and that I propositioned Knapp for sex multiple times even inviting him to meet me in a hotel room. I never propositioned John Knapp for sex in any way, shape, or manner. In April, 2012, I learned that I was not the reason my friend was sent to the hospital.
(My statements addressing some of Knapp's false claims can be read here: My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations. )
In December, 2011, another ex-client of Knapp contacted me with their story. What I had experienced had mirrored their own experience with Knapp; the person ended up deeply harmed and in need of further counseling with a different mental health therapist to help heal the emotional/psychological/relationship damage brought on by Knapp's actions and words. Sometime in latter 2011(?) Knapp adapted a stage name, "Johnny Profane."
[Update: On January 14, 2014, New York state determined its ruling regarding the NY state license of John M. Knapp (identified as "practitioner" in my complaint below).
John M. Knapp was
"...Found guilty of professional misconduct; Penalty: Revocation...Licensee was found guilty of practicing his profession with negligence, as well as with incompetence, on more than one occasion, and of unprofessional conduct."
See January, 2014 Summaries of Regents Actions on Professional Misconduct and Discipline
Click the following links for what constitutes "professional misconduct" and "unprofessional conduct."
Professional Misconduct
Unprofessional Conduct ]
This morning as I was out walking some canine friends I recognized that I was trying to avoid feeling the anxiety and depression that has raised its head recently.
I realized that to try to force my way out of the anxiety, doesn't work. To pretend the trauma never happened doesn't work. To distract myself with other activities helps some; yet, a subtle undercurrent continues. To recall the vast atrocities in history helps some by putting my little, peon experience into perspective; yet, that doesn't rid the emotions that the undercurrent brings onto shore.
As I continued to walk my two canine dachshund friends watching their tiny little legs move ever so quickly and briskly making it appear that their feet barely touch the ground, I grounded my own emotions by checking in with my heart. And I heart soaked; that is I embraced the anxiety and depression. I didn't push it away or try to control it or try to distract myself from it. I let it sit in my heart and asked myself, "Why? Why am I having trouble with this now? What triggered it? Don't be afraid, just look. You are safe."
The answer I got, which is probably only a partial answer as some many answers in life seem to be: This got stirred up with the recent email you received, the one asking about Knapp.
During my heart soak, I also realized that I am not more vocal about the trauma/situation because I am trying to protect someone or something. "What or who are you trying to protect?"
Yourself? Yes, I think that is partly it. To reopen the wounds on a continual basis isn't healthy. I want to be able to manage that better and heal. It hurts, it just plain old hurts.
John? Perhaps. John is not all bad. And I wish I still had a good relationship with John, but he is the one that shunned me. These things did happen. He has many people that don't know this side of him, that don't know how manipulative and verbally abusive he can be.
Those in therapy with John? Yes, definitely. That's a clincher. I don't want to undermine someone else's recovery process. Will the truth do that, will it undermine another's recovery? It can appear that way in the short run. But in the long run, I believe that the truth is what brings restoration. Cover-up just delays the stench.
The recent anxiety-triggering email I received was (another) inquiry regarding Knapp. This time it wasn't from a cult-recovery activist who knows Knapp but from someone in need of counseling after involvement in a cult.
A question in the email (slightly adapted to maintain anonymity) was: "Can you tell me exactly why I shouldn't hire John?"
Below is my response (slightly adapted to maintain anonymity of the person who inquired):
********************
(Summer, 2011: my email response)
Hey [...],
This is not an easy email for me to compose. I'm left wondering how much to share and I feel my own inside panic. As stated in various places in different blog posts, one of the hardest things I ever did was to file the complaint on John; deciding to go public with some of the information has been almost as equally hard.
You asked me, "Can you tell me exactly why I shouldn't hire John?" I don't know if I can answer that specific question as far as why you should not hire him. Your relationship with John would be yours. It may be healthy and stay that way. In no way do I want to undermine anyone's recovery process. I do suggest if you have any little red flags, that you (of course) listen to them.
All I can share with you is my experience and why I can't hire John.
The short answer (and only part of the answer) is that I cannot hire John because he harmed me, plain and simple. He accused me of things I had no idea that I had done (and I didn't do). He then cut off (in an abrupt and harmful manner, to say the least) communication with me making it impossible to reconcile the situation. Then, via email to another client in which he twisted what had happened, he justified and rationalized and minimized the impact of his actions.
John, I'm sure, has his side of the story. I do not know what his side is (other than the bit he wrote to the other client in September, 2010). He chose to close the door to any sort of communication, thus making any discussion and reconciliation impossible.
Because of my experience, because of a handful of other people's experiences, because I have had a professional read emails and observe John's online behavior as impartially as one can do so, and because of other stuff that I simply don't have the energy to write about now....I question John's competence as a mental health counselor. (To borrow what another person stated: "Oh, the complexities and mixed messages with John have been many. Others come to mind as I type here, but there is no need to give the details."). I believe he has boundary issues that can compromise (and end up harming, as in my situation) relationships with his clients. I also think his online activity in social networks is risky in regard to his clients. IMO, and from my experience and a handful of others who have shared with me their experiences, I think John exhibits anti-social traits outside normal perimeters, especially what would be acceptable for someone who is a mental health counselor.
[Here is a link regarding the Code of Ethics for Social Workers.
As a resource regarding online ethics regarding interaction between client and therapist on social networks, you can read here: Ethical Framework for the Use of Social Media by Mental Health Professionals.]
This blog post states in short what John accused me of. It may not seem like much. However, for me with my history and issues, it was devastating. John used my deepest vulnerabilities against me, and then brushed his words and actions aside.
Previously I felt John was an excellent counselor when our relationship was client-therapist. When it became client-therapist-friend-colleague, the relationship went awry one step and a time. Looking back, I did have some tiny red flags along the way. I chose to ignore them; after all, it was John. I could trust John...or so I thought.
In a separate email, I am going to send you an anonymous version of the complaint summary overview I filed with the state of NY. That will best outline what it is that happened to me, if you decide to read it.
That email to you will not include corresponding emails that I sent as evidence; nor does it include the other summaries, which I sent with the complaint packet to NY, explaining the context of the situation(s). Due to the voluminous amount of emails, the complaint packet I sent to New York was about an inch thick. The investigation is still in process.
Nor does the anonymous summary that I am sending you mention the handful of other people (who either I contacted or who contacted me) who have experienced similar harm as I in their relationships with John. Someone was first sent my way beginning within a week after John cut me off. The last person to contact me about their harmful experience with Knapp has been within the past couple months. Please note that, to my knowledge, these people were never clients of John; they were in 'colleague' type roles.
One person who contacted me said: "I felt like John put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger."
Another stated: "I felt like John used me."
Another stated: "I had reservations about him as a therapist because of the anger in some of his online writings [...] That was prior to my learning of some other folks' difficulties with him. [...] Again, please take it into your psyche when I reiterate that I'm sure you did NOthing to provoke his outburst. I can be assured of that because John has likewise attacked me [...] on a number of occasions. His attacks to me were surprising and irrelevant. I don't trust either his praise nor his attacks. John's emotional swings felt abusive and manipulative, but I didn't take them personally."
Another stated: "I hope that you [...]can take a healthy step back and observe John’s actions … it’s not you – I don’t think John is stable at all but he’s twisting it on you [...]. [...] And it is a pattern of behavior over the past."
I am not proud to have reported John nor to have gone public with the small bit of information that I have gone public with. (Many details are left out, as you noted in your initial email.) I felt in a no-win situation. It makes my stomach turn. :-/ It has been a horrible and traumatic experience for me. I never, in my wildest imagination, thought I'd ever be posting what I have posted on my blog.
I'll be glad to try to answer any questions you may have. Some questions I may not be able to answer due to protecting my own emotional health and the triggers I still deal with. Some I may not be able to answer (if the questions are about other people's experiences) because I am not at liberty to share those.
You may decide to hire John. As long as the relationship is kept as client-therapist, it may be great and benefit you tremendously. I would suggest that if the relationship with John starts to veer outside a client-therapist relationship (and into, for example, a co-activist/colleague/friend-type relationship), that it would be time to get another therapist. John's services are not irreplacable, of course; there are other competent therapists who understand cult dynamics.
I hope this email isn't too long and I hope it is somewhat clear.
Best to you,
[my name]
[my phone number]
********************
Notes:
Less that a week after this blog entry was posted (which was around the same time I made public the anonymous version of my complaint), John Knapp began his defamatory online rants regarding myself, Dr. Monica Pignotti, Lema (Lom) Nal, and a few others. He made statements as fact that are outright fabrications. For me the worst of these were that I had undermined a friend's mental health sending her to the hospital and that I propositioned Knapp for sex multiple times even inviting him to meet me in a hotel room. I never propositioned John Knapp for sex in any way, shape, or manner. In April, 2012, I learned that I was not the reason my friend was sent to the hospital.
(My statements addressing some of Knapp's false claims can be read here: My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations. )
In December, 2011, another ex-client of Knapp contacted me with their story. What I had experienced had mirrored their own experience with Knapp; the person ended up deeply harmed and in need of further counseling with a different mental health therapist to help heal the emotional/psychological/relationship damage brought on by Knapp's actions and words. Sometime in latter 2011(?) Knapp adapted a stage name, "Johnny Profane."
[Update: On January 14, 2014, New York state determined its ruling regarding the NY state license of John M. Knapp (identified as "practitioner" in my complaint below).
John M. Knapp was
"...Found guilty of professional misconduct; Penalty: Revocation...Licensee was found guilty of practicing his profession with negligence, as well as with incompetence, on more than one occasion, and of unprofessional conduct."
See January, 2014 Summaries of Regents Actions on Professional Misconduct and Discipline
Click the following links for what constitutes "professional misconduct" and "unprofessional conduct."
Professional Misconduct
Unprofessional Conduct ]
August 18, 2011
Just pick one thing...
Two posts in one day. Ha.
I've had a rough day today, emotionally.
Seems that happens when I take a day off work. My mind has a tendency to get caught in a loop. Instead of out walking dogs in various loops, my thoughts loop.
Yes, I 'know' what to do to get out of loops. Yet, sometimes I feel paralyzed in the loop. I end up frittering away time with nervous tension, ruminating, and depression and such. I have to talk myself through the next task.
"Carol get up. Carol get dressed. Yes, you are 7 hours behind where you had said you wanted to be around this time today, but that's o.k. It's not the end of the world. Go look at that to-do list of the things you said you wanted to accomplish today. Pick one thing, just one. Do that one. And if that's all you get done, it's o.k.
You are not a bad person Carol. Sometimes you're just too dang hard on yourself."
From my list? I chose to continue painting a board on which to hang lots of keys. Over a week ago, or maybe two, I painted the board with it's umpteen nails already in tact. I used a brush and some yellow paint left over from when we had the laundry room painted. Today I spray painted with purple over the yellow...using stenciled alphabet letters and door knob keys to produce shapes of letters and shapes of keys....dusting purple here and there.
Simple stuff.
Some of the purple paint ran a little down the keyboard. Other paint stayed in tact. Either way was fine with me.
I like purple. On my window sill in my kitchen I have a miniature art block piece painted in shades of purple with the figure of a non-gendered human leaning over and picking a flower. Around the edges of the block a quote is hand-printed, a quote from the movie The Color Purple: I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it.
Next goal for the board for keys? To hang it. Hopefully this weekend.
I'll have to use the drill.
_________________________
I've had a rough day today, emotionally.
Seems that happens when I take a day off work. My mind has a tendency to get caught in a loop. Instead of out walking dogs in various loops, my thoughts loop.
Yes, I 'know' what to do to get out of loops. Yet, sometimes I feel paralyzed in the loop. I end up frittering away time with nervous tension, ruminating, and depression and such. I have to talk myself through the next task.
"Carol get up. Carol get dressed. Yes, you are 7 hours behind where you had said you wanted to be around this time today, but that's o.k. It's not the end of the world. Go look at that to-do list of the things you said you wanted to accomplish today. Pick one thing, just one. Do that one. And if that's all you get done, it's o.k.
You are not a bad person Carol. Sometimes you're just too dang hard on yourself."
From my list? I chose to continue painting a board on which to hang lots of keys. Over a week ago, or maybe two, I painted the board with it's umpteen nails already in tact. I used a brush and some yellow paint left over from when we had the laundry room painted. Today I spray painted with purple over the yellow...using stenciled alphabet letters and door knob keys to produce shapes of letters and shapes of keys....dusting purple here and there.
Simple stuff.
Some of the purple paint ran a little down the keyboard. Other paint stayed in tact. Either way was fine with me.
I like purple. On my window sill in my kitchen I have a miniature art block piece painted in shades of purple with the figure of a non-gendered human leaning over and picking a flower. Around the edges of the block a quote is hand-printed, a quote from the movie The Color Purple: I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it.
Next goal for the board for keys? To hang it. Hopefully this weekend.
I'll have to use the drill.
_________________________
Thoughts on Intensity
I just was journaling on a possible blog post about "what to write on a Wednesday morn" and realized that it's Thursday, not Wednesday.
Wednesday is called hump day, which brought to my mind camels which brought to mind Lazy 5 Ranch which brought to mind animal safaris which brought to mind Disney World's Animal Kingdom Park and the NC Zoo in Asheboro.
Camels also brought to mind Camel cigarettes which brings to mind my 1978-1979 Word Over the World Branch coordinator, David. He smoked unfiltered Camels.
David was an intense young man and I think continued to live an intense life through out his adult years. I read that he died a year or so ago. He was in his early 50s.
"Intensity." Leadership in The Way seemed to extol intensity.
"Milk the moment." "Suck the second."
I guess "intensity" is something the Western world holds in favorable regard.
Perhaps us humans in civilized environments don't receive enough life/death stimulation to provide satisfaction to our survival genes, so we look for intense situations to prove ourselves.
Perhaps it's simply a trait of youth.
Perhaps it's heredity and life experiences of the individual, that which shapes one's personality.
Not everyone is "intense." And perhaps on the continuum of humanity most people don't really desire intensity often. But it is intensity that makes the news, so it's intensity that gets heard.
Martindale and The Way Corps and other programs in The Way were "intense," a continual pushing to the limit and beyond. Martindale used to use the words "dominate" and "saturate" and "permeate" pretty often. Our goal was "Word in culture" or "Word over the world" and then "keeping the household clean."
Other organizations and causes promote similar.
Anymore speech like that sends up red flags. It's a signal to me that an individual may end up just a cog in the mechanism to move an agenda. That is, the individual becomes a non-person when they no longer fit the machine to promote the cause. They are discarded as not committed enough or not smart enough or not good enough for the noble effort the leader(s) is(are) propounding.
I don't much desire intensity anymore. Maybe I've experienced enough and have mellowed with age. Maybe my adrenal function is somewhat depleted and knows its limits.
Anymore, I think I desire contentment.
Camels. I never was much interested in smoking cigarettes.
____________________________
Wednesday is called hump day, which brought to my mind camels which brought to mind Lazy 5 Ranch which brought to mind animal safaris which brought to mind Disney World's Animal Kingdom Park and the NC Zoo in Asheboro.
Camels also brought to mind Camel cigarettes which brings to mind my 1978-1979 Word Over the World Branch coordinator, David. He smoked unfiltered Camels.
David was an intense young man and I think continued to live an intense life through out his adult years. I read that he died a year or so ago. He was in his early 50s.
"Intensity." Leadership in The Way seemed to extol intensity.
"Milk the moment." "Suck the second."
I guess "intensity" is something the Western world holds in favorable regard.
Perhaps us humans in civilized environments don't receive enough life/death stimulation to provide satisfaction to our survival genes, so we look for intense situations to prove ourselves.
Perhaps it's simply a trait of youth.
Perhaps it's heredity and life experiences of the individual, that which shapes one's personality.
Not everyone is "intense." And perhaps on the continuum of humanity most people don't really desire intensity often. But it is intensity that makes the news, so it's intensity that gets heard.
Martindale and The Way Corps and other programs in The Way were "intense," a continual pushing to the limit and beyond. Martindale used to use the words "dominate" and "saturate" and "permeate" pretty often. Our goal was "Word in culture" or "Word over the world" and then "keeping the household clean."
Other organizations and causes promote similar.
Anymore speech like that sends up red flags. It's a signal to me that an individual may end up just a cog in the mechanism to move an agenda. That is, the individual becomes a non-person when they no longer fit the machine to promote the cause. They are discarded as not committed enough or not smart enough or not good enough for the noble effort the leader(s) is(are) propounding.
I don't much desire intensity anymore. Maybe I've experienced enough and have mellowed with age. Maybe my adrenal function is somewhat depleted and knows its limits.
Anymore, I think I desire contentment.
Camels. I never was much interested in smoking cigarettes.
____________________________
August 12, 2011
Healing the Soul, Healing the Body [Seeking Life Along The Way: Addendum]
When I got involved with The Way in the fall of 1977 at the age of 18, I was in good physical health. But four years later, for the first time in my life, I developed asthma and other symptoms of an over-responsive immune system. My symptoms worsened during subsequent years and continued for the next two decades. They did not significantly improve until I began stepping outside Way doctrine and tapping into a more authentic path for my life.
The following was written a couple years before I wrote my Way story. I later decided to add it to my Way story as an addendum. I added it because my health story and Way story are intricately intertwined. Autoimmune illnesses can be triggered by, among other things, stress and trauma and suppression of emotions. All of which one experiences on a continuum in a high-demand group or relationship and with indoctrination of a toxic faith.
I have no doubt that Way doctrine had a detrimental effect on my physical health, which includes my emotional and psychological well being. At the same time, Way doctrine kept me seeking wholeness because of God's promise of "perfect health."
______
In the summer of 2005 my mental health therapist at the time asked if I would write my health story to be included in a book. She asked a few of her clients this same request. She had specific topics she wanted covered. Thus the content of the narrative posted below. I have made a few revisions since it was originally penned.
~*~
Healing the Soul, Healing the Body
At 46 years old I sat across from my counselor. She looked into my eyes and stated, "Carol, I want you to start thinking like a well person."
The statement stunned me. I felt nebulously lost within it having no concept of what her words meant. Over the next few days I rolled the statement over and over in my head and heart. The ensuing story is part of the journey endeavoring to discover what it means to think like a well person.
I choose the 39th year of my life as the threshold for the following meandering, a snippet of my journey.
It was in that year that I began to submerge myself in ink and page, writing my way toward wellness. Journaling changed my course from death to life, from despair to hope.
At 39 years old I was married with two children, ages 8 and 10. For the last seventeen years I had suffered with severe asthma; numerous bouts of pneumonia; multiple sinus surgeries (1984, '85, '86, '96); environmental, chemical, food, and inhalant allergies; hives, welts, and various skin disorders; systemic candida; depression; anxiety; mood swings; chronic fatigue; body aches; and a myriad of other symptoms that go with an over-responsive and depleted immune system. I had been pumped with intravenous drugs, swallowed or inhaled a host of pharmaceuticals (including 1000's of doses of steroids), been pricked with needles 100's of times for various reasons, and received a myriad of allergy antigens. Alongside conventional treatments, I had utilized alternative therapies including homeopathy, oral and intravenous vitamin/mineral supplementation, strict dietary protocols, acupuncture, herbs, bodywork, prayer, and some psychological counseling.
Exhaustion and depression were constant companions.
I was caught in a sticky, mucous-coated, stagnant, thickened, stringy web that felt like it morphed in every tissue and cell beneath my skin.
I felt trapped in my own body.
I craved to breathe freely.
I thirsted for fluid energy and to move without pain.
I dreamed of running like a deer, graceful and free through the woods.
I hungered for freedom.
I often felt like a complete failure as a believer, as a mother, as a person. Shame coursed through my veins. My suicide plan was foolproof, but I couldn't leave my children with the legacy that their mother had committed suicide. My children were my saving grace, my reason to keep drawing one more breath, to keep trying.
Life was not always dreary. Alternative treatments had become my mainstay for recovery, and I had stretches of improvement and hope. But the improvement came in incremental bits.
Yet, now my hope was depleted; it was time to quit hoping.
I had clung to the belief that God's will for me was complete health.
It was time to give up the dream that I could actually get well.
Death seemed the only alternative for release.
At that point I took my pen to paper and began to write.
Emotions crystallized into words upon the page detailing the self-loathing, the asthma attacks, the pain that racked my body, the exhaustion, the anger, the murky darkness of it all. I felt such deep, deep shame and self-hatred. Day after day I filled the pages; I held nothing back. I poured it all onto paper, including dreams and hopes.
I wrote because I had to.
I did not know what else to do.
I never imagined that by putting pen to parchment my circumstances would begin to change, but they did in a most powerful way.
~*~
Within a few months of starting to journal I was hospitalized yet again (October, 1998) and connected with a doctor who discovered I was suffering with mercury toxicity, a typical cause for immune dysfunction. In January, 1999, I was again hospitalized and connected with a different doctor who confirmed the mercury toxicity. [Probably a main contributor to the mercury toxicity was my amalgam fillings (some decades old at the time) which I have since had replaced with composites made of ingredients for which I was compatibility-tested.] That same month I began an intense yearlong detox regimen which included oral chelation therapy, intravenous and oral vitamin and mineral therapy, hydro-colon therapy, low heat saunas, and coffee enemas.
I continued to journal and began to re-educate myself on healing.
I began to have hope again.
Unknown to me at that time, I suffered my last severe episode of asthma attacks in January, 1999.
After six months from my last round of asthma attacks, I was able to start addressing more definitively other symptoms: fatigue, mood swings, hives, and pain. It was like my body continually pushed symptoms to the surface that were desperately crying to be released. Yet I was hopeful that these symptoms too could be ameliorated; the asthma was already curbed, and I had new treatments to try.
Maybe my body can get well if I can learn better how to listen to what it is trying to communicate to me. Maybe I can allow it to heal itself. Maybe, maybe, just maybe....
The next regimen on my agenda was a treatment known as Enzyme Potentiated Desensitization (EPD), a complex allergy treatment that approached the reprogramming of miscoded T-helper cells. Every eight weeks, for 1-1/2 years, I received injections containing over 200 antigens mixed with an enzyme to penetrate the miscoded cells. After each round of injections I went into quarantine for five days to limit my exposure to allergens and ate only venison, tapioca flour with water, and sweet potatoes due to multiple food sensitivities and allergies.
My health improved with EPD. A sore spot in my left lung that had been present since my last bout with pneumonia cleared. Some skin conditions improved. My sense of smell was restored. Allergic reactions and energy improved. Then the FDA abruptly stopped the use of EPD in the United States. My sense of smell was stolen again, and some allergy troubles resurfaced. But I remained hopeful that other doors would open for me.
~*~
How many of my illnesses and symptoms could be due to suppressed emotions? Am I honest enough to be able to open up and see what really lurks in my soul?
In the fall of 2000, I began regular psychological counseling to see how much of this connection could be a cause for some of my ailments. Over the subsequent four years I developed a support system which consisted of journaling, bibliotherapy, and relationships with a handful of people and professionals that I could call upon. I grew in my ability to open up, to peek within and see the ugliness and the beauty. I saw more ugliness than beauty. But I began to understand that even what I perceived as "ugly" was okay; I didn't have to fear it.
During these four years my symptoms became less intense and then plateaued. I lived managing mood swings; hives and sneezing attacks a few times a week; and a hormone dysfunction that would manifests in severe aches, depression, and cognitive impairment about five days per month. I continued my search for relief through conventional means (including medications for the depression), bodywork, nutrition, homeopathy, and energy medicine. I continued with counseling and journaling. I began to think that this was as well as I could get.
In latter 2004 I was introduced to a nutritional product that had more life-changing effects. Within nine months of consuming this product my hives completely disappeared. The mood swings and debilitating hormone dysfunction were probably 85% better. I was able to get off my daily psychiatric medications. My energy was more stable. I went from feeling like I was hit by an 18-wheeler four to five days a month to being hit by a bicycle a few days a month. I was beginning to taste freedom.
It was during this time that my counselor stated those unforgettable words , "Carol I want you to start thinking like a well person."
My adult life had revolved around sickness - a science of schedules and charts and foods and pills and needles and tests and treatments. This new experience of wellness was scary. Oddly I found myself wanting to break down, but couldn't.
I thought I would run free once liberated from this tyranny of entrapment. Yet, I was in new territory, unfamiliar, uncomfortable. What was I to do with myself now? It took me six to eight months to become comfortable with being "well."
In the fall of 2005 I was well enough to make some major religious changes. After twenty-eight years of loyalty I chose to leave an authoritarian religious organization. In hindsight I have no doubt that certain doctrines and practices that I had embraced from this organization were major contributors to the chronic illnesses with which I had been ensnared. Without the wellness I had been granted by 2005 I don't know if I could have made the break from that organization. It took much resolve and energy that I didn't have prior to 2004.
Over time after divorcing the organization I was able to tap into my heart again, and I began to understand with greater clarity underlying emotional causes that contributed to the previous decades of illness.
What are my maintenance practices? Decent nutrition, medications as needed, rest. Movement, nature, play. Mindfulness, reading, writing. Music, movies, laughter. And authentic relationships with myself, my environment, and loved ones. When I experience physiological symptoms or tumultuous emotions I endeavor to seek self-awareness and then to listen and follow the paths that offer relief.
What does it mean to think like a well person? It means I recognize that I am significant, worthy of love, and fully human. I am a vital member of the human family. I am not an appliance that requires fixing; rather, I am a yearning individual with an innate need for love, acknowledgment, and to know my value.
~*~
______
Updates:
______
(Last revised May, 2021)
Links:
Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 1
Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 2
Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 3
Seeking Life Along The Way: Addendum
The following was written a couple years before I wrote my Way story. I later decided to add it to my Way story as an addendum. I added it because my health story and Way story are intricately intertwined. Autoimmune illnesses can be triggered by, among other things, stress and trauma and suppression of emotions. All of which one experiences on a continuum in a high-demand group or relationship and with indoctrination of a toxic faith.
I have no doubt that Way doctrine had a detrimental effect on my physical health, which includes my emotional and psychological well being. At the same time, Way doctrine kept me seeking wholeness because of God's promise of "perfect health."
______
In the summer of 2005 my mental health therapist at the time asked if I would write my health story to be included in a book. She asked a few of her clients this same request. She had specific topics she wanted covered. Thus the content of the narrative posted below. I have made a few revisions since it was originally penned.
~*~
Healing the Soul, Healing the Body
At 46 years old I sat across from my counselor. She looked into my eyes and stated, "Carol, I want you to start thinking like a well person."
The statement stunned me. I felt nebulously lost within it having no concept of what her words meant. Over the next few days I rolled the statement over and over in my head and heart. The ensuing story is part of the journey endeavoring to discover what it means to think like a well person.
I choose the 39th year of my life as the threshold for the following meandering, a snippet of my journey.
It was in that year that I began to submerge myself in ink and page, writing my way toward wellness. Journaling changed my course from death to life, from despair to hope.
At 39 years old I was married with two children, ages 8 and 10. For the last seventeen years I had suffered with severe asthma; numerous bouts of pneumonia; multiple sinus surgeries (1984, '85, '86, '96); environmental, chemical, food, and inhalant allergies; hives, welts, and various skin disorders; systemic candida; depression; anxiety; mood swings; chronic fatigue; body aches; and a myriad of other symptoms that go with an over-responsive and depleted immune system. I had been pumped with intravenous drugs, swallowed or inhaled a host of pharmaceuticals (including 1000's of doses of steroids), been pricked with needles 100's of times for various reasons, and received a myriad of allergy antigens. Alongside conventional treatments, I had utilized alternative therapies including homeopathy, oral and intravenous vitamin/mineral supplementation, strict dietary protocols, acupuncture, herbs, bodywork, prayer, and some psychological counseling.
Exhaustion and depression were constant companions.
I was caught in a sticky, mucous-coated, stagnant, thickened, stringy web that felt like it morphed in every tissue and cell beneath my skin.
I felt trapped in my own body.
I craved to breathe freely.
I thirsted for fluid energy and to move without pain.
I dreamed of running like a deer, graceful and free through the woods.
I hungered for freedom.
I often felt like a complete failure as a believer, as a mother, as a person. Shame coursed through my veins. My suicide plan was foolproof, but I couldn't leave my children with the legacy that their mother had committed suicide. My children were my saving grace, my reason to keep drawing one more breath, to keep trying.
Life was not always dreary. Alternative treatments had become my mainstay for recovery, and I had stretches of improvement and hope. But the improvement came in incremental bits.
Yet, now my hope was depleted; it was time to quit hoping.
I had clung to the belief that God's will for me was complete health.
It was time to give up the dream that I could actually get well.
Death seemed the only alternative for release.
At that point I took my pen to paper and began to write.
Emotions crystallized into words upon the page detailing the self-loathing, the asthma attacks, the pain that racked my body, the exhaustion, the anger, the murky darkness of it all. I felt such deep, deep shame and self-hatred. Day after day I filled the pages; I held nothing back. I poured it all onto paper, including dreams and hopes.
I wrote because I had to.
I did not know what else to do.
I never imagined that by putting pen to parchment my circumstances would begin to change, but they did in a most powerful way.
~*~
Within a few months of starting to journal I was hospitalized yet again (October, 1998) and connected with a doctor who discovered I was suffering with mercury toxicity, a typical cause for immune dysfunction. In January, 1999, I was again hospitalized and connected with a different doctor who confirmed the mercury toxicity. [Probably a main contributor to the mercury toxicity was my amalgam fillings (some decades old at the time) which I have since had replaced with composites made of ingredients for which I was compatibility-tested.] That same month I began an intense yearlong detox regimen which included oral chelation therapy, intravenous and oral vitamin and mineral therapy, hydro-colon therapy, low heat saunas, and coffee enemas.
I continued to journal and began to re-educate myself on healing.
I began to have hope again.
Unknown to me at that time, I suffered my last severe episode of asthma attacks in January, 1999.
After six months from my last round of asthma attacks, I was able to start addressing more definitively other symptoms: fatigue, mood swings, hives, and pain. It was like my body continually pushed symptoms to the surface that were desperately crying to be released. Yet I was hopeful that these symptoms too could be ameliorated; the asthma was already curbed, and I had new treatments to try.
Maybe my body can get well if I can learn better how to listen to what it is trying to communicate to me. Maybe I can allow it to heal itself. Maybe, maybe, just maybe....
The next regimen on my agenda was a treatment known as Enzyme Potentiated Desensitization (EPD), a complex allergy treatment that approached the reprogramming of miscoded T-helper cells. Every eight weeks, for 1-1/2 years, I received injections containing over 200 antigens mixed with an enzyme to penetrate the miscoded cells. After each round of injections I went into quarantine for five days to limit my exposure to allergens and ate only venison, tapioca flour with water, and sweet potatoes due to multiple food sensitivities and allergies.
My health improved with EPD. A sore spot in my left lung that had been present since my last bout with pneumonia cleared. Some skin conditions improved. My sense of smell was restored. Allergic reactions and energy improved. Then the FDA abruptly stopped the use of EPD in the United States. My sense of smell was stolen again, and some allergy troubles resurfaced. But I remained hopeful that other doors would open for me.
~*~
In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with a herniated disc confirmed with an MRI. It had not responded to steroid injections, muscle relaxers, or physical therapy. A friend loaned me the book, Healing Back Pain, by Dr. John Sarno. The book was about how some people suppress emotional pain which then manifests as physical pain. I matched the profile.
The book prompted me to dig deeper for a more specific program to help guide me in uncovering emotional causes. That search led me to a website, MindBodyMedicine.com and Dr. David Schechter's guided journaling, reading, and education program. With the support of my then-medical doctor, I personally chose to approach the program completely psychological; I gave up my brace and physical therapy. For me that worked. Within six weeks of the program, the back spasms were 80% better. After five months they were completely gone.
Due to the improvements of what I had learned via Sarno's work, I was prompted to delve more deeply into the relationship between my emotions and my physical illnesses.
How many of my illnesses and symptoms could be due to suppressed emotions? Am I honest enough to be able to open up and see what really lurks in my soul?
In the fall of 2000, I began regular psychological counseling to see how much of this connection could be a cause for some of my ailments. Over the subsequent four years I developed a support system which consisted of journaling, bibliotherapy, and relationships with a handful of people and professionals that I could call upon. I grew in my ability to open up, to peek within and see the ugliness and the beauty. I saw more ugliness than beauty. But I began to understand that even what I perceived as "ugly" was okay; I didn't have to fear it.
During these four years my symptoms became less intense and then plateaued. I lived managing mood swings; hives and sneezing attacks a few times a week; and a hormone dysfunction that would manifests in severe aches, depression, and cognitive impairment about five days per month. I continued my search for relief through conventional means (including medications for the depression), bodywork, nutrition, homeopathy, and energy medicine. I continued with counseling and journaling. I began to think that this was as well as I could get.
In latter 2004 I was introduced to a nutritional product that had more life-changing effects. Within nine months of consuming this product my hives completely disappeared. The mood swings and debilitating hormone dysfunction were probably 85% better. I was able to get off my daily psychiatric medications. My energy was more stable. I went from feeling like I was hit by an 18-wheeler four to five days a month to being hit by a bicycle a few days a month. I was beginning to taste freedom.
It was during this time that my counselor stated those unforgettable words , "Carol I want you to start thinking like a well person."
My adult life had revolved around sickness - a science of schedules and charts and foods and pills and needles and tests and treatments. This new experience of wellness was scary. Oddly I found myself wanting to break down, but couldn't.
I thought I would run free once liberated from this tyranny of entrapment. Yet, I was in new territory, unfamiliar, uncomfortable. What was I to do with myself now? It took me six to eight months to become comfortable with being "well."
In the fall of 2005 I was well enough to make some major religious changes. After twenty-eight years of loyalty I chose to leave an authoritarian religious organization. In hindsight I have no doubt that certain doctrines and practices that I had embraced from this organization were major contributors to the chronic illnesses with which I had been ensnared. Without the wellness I had been granted by 2005 I don't know if I could have made the break from that organization. It took much resolve and energy that I didn't have prior to 2004.
Over time after divorcing the organization I was able to tap into my heart again, and I began to understand with greater clarity underlying emotional causes that contributed to the previous decades of illness.
What are my maintenance practices? Decent nutrition, medications as needed, rest. Movement, nature, play. Mindfulness, reading, writing. Music, movies, laughter. And authentic relationships with myself, my environment, and loved ones. When I experience physiological symptoms or tumultuous emotions I endeavor to seek self-awareness and then to listen and follow the paths that offer relief.
What does it mean to think like a well person? It means I recognize that I am significant, worthy of love, and fully human. I am a vital member of the human family. I am not an appliance that requires fixing; rather, I am a yearning individual with an innate need for love, acknowledgment, and to know my value.
~*~
______
Updates:
- In 2008, at age 49, I had full, left hip replacement surgery due to degeneration brought on by years of high doses of steroids that I had consumed to keep me breathing. In 2010 the manufacturer of my implant announced a voluntary recall because some of the implants were defective. Through 2012 I had yearly check-ups with my orthopedic surgeon on the implant, and it appeared all was okay. That status changed in 2016.
- In December, 2009, I contracted MRSA, which erupted four different times within five months.
- In late September, 2010, I made the difficult decision to file an official complaint against my then-licensed, mental-health, cult-recovery therapist. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was his client for two years, 2008 thru 2010. In early fall, 2010, I filed the complaint. In late summer, 2011, the therapist tried to smear my character in twelve different online defamatory online posts on Facebook [where I was meat in a feeding frenzy] and on his website. In November, 2012, I was a witness for the state at the therapist's licensing board hearing. In January, 2014, his license was revoked. I was not the only client whom he harmed. To read an overview of that experience click here.
- In May, 2011, I developed debilitating symptoms simultaneously in all my limbs and extremities while taking a medication (oral terbinafine; ie: Lamisil) for six weeks for toenail fungus. In 2013, it was properly diagnosed as polyradiculitis, a rare type of peripheral neuropathy typically associated with chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy (CIDP) and Guillain-Barre syndrome (GBS). I do not have CIDP or GBS but have the same symptoms. Polyradiculitis means that multiple nerve roots are swollen at the spinal cord. For me, that includes roots at my lumbar and cervical neck regions. Symptoms have spread to all my limbs and extremities, my back, my neck, and my jaws. I receive steroid lumber epidurals every twelve weeks and steroid cervical neck shots every six. To read some snippets regarding my continuing struggle with polyradiculitis, click here.
- In June, 2016, we discovered that my recalled hip implant from 2008 was indeed defective; it had slowly been leaching cobalt and chromium into my body. Among other things, heavy metals can sometimes be a factor in and cause of nerve damage. On August 30, 2016, I had revision lateral hip replacement surgery replacing the 2008 defective implant. It typically takes one to two years after removal of a leaching implant for metal levels to come down. We'll then have a better idea as to how much of a role the metals might play in the nerve damage.
- May 12, 2021: A lot has happened since 2016. To read a snippet overview and my current path, click here.
(Last revised May, 2021)
Links:
Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 1
Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 2
Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 3
Seeking Life Along The Way: Addendum
August 10, 2011
Augusts
I feel I need to write. Will I click "publish post?" I won't know until the end of the ramble.
The month of August.
My mother's birthday is this month. She was born August 4, 1925, and died January 31, 2009.
I don't recall the year of my father's birth, but his birthday is August 18. He died in February, 1996, on a Friday. I think it was in February. I know it was a Friday; I was to attend the first session of The Way's then new foundational class that night. The session was postponed due to a snow storm. My father was around 73(?) when he died. So he must have been born around 1923. He lived as a quadriplegic the last 13 years of his life.
My son's birthday is coming up on August 14. He will be 21 this year.
What was I doing at 21 years old? That would have been August, 1980, the beginning of my interim year of the 10th Way Corps. That August, I worked Children's Camp for Corps Week at The Way College in Indiana. I then went to the Rock of Ages, the 5-day then annual festival of The Way where we welcomed home the Word Over the World (WOW) Ambassadors from the previous year and celebrated the commissioning of the new WOW Ambassadors for the current year; years running from August to August.
I went out WOW that year of 1980. It was my second time going WOW and was my interim year Way Corps assignment. I was a WOW team coordinator and was sent to Torrington, Connecticut. I left "the WOW field" in AWOL fashion in October that same year. The shame of that action haunted me for decades, and still haunts me at times. I broke my vow, a most heinous action, especially for Way Corps.
August, 1981, I found myself in a Way Home in Cleveland, Ohio, starting The Way Corps all over again with my second apprenticeship year. I developed asthma at that time, around September, 1981. My last bout with severe asthma attacks was January, 1999. I still use an inhaler on a somewhat regular basis, but have no severe attacks anymore. I hope I never do again.
August, 2009, is when "Ria" came to our home and ended up staying for seven weeks. I've written very little about that experience. It was a roller coaster ride, and an odd one, culminating in October, 2009, and me leaving my own home shaken with fear due to her final outburst. Previous to that outburst, I had told her she could stay with us awhile. That changed when she broke the dish and had yet another melt down, another one directed at me. At the time, I wondered if she suffered from DID. I had wanted to help; I failed I guess.
As much as I don't want to bring up the not-too-distant past experience with my ex-therapist, the culmination of that experience, happened in August, 2010. As silly as it may sound, not a day goes by as of yet that I don't think about that and still wonder how in god's name it ended up like it did. It's still difficult for me to believe and accept, and I get embarrassed at the impact it has had on me. I wish that weren't the case; I wish I had a switch to turn it off. Eventually it will drift into the memory vault of past "stuff." My typical grief and integration time period after something touches me deeply is two years. August 2 and 3, 2012, will mark two years.
2012, the year 'everyone' is waiting for with the grand date being 12/21/12. My husband's birthday is 12/22. I imagine we will celebrate it like any other birthday.
________________________________
Addendum: Dad died February 16, 1996.
________________________________
The month of August.
My mother's birthday is this month. She was born August 4, 1925, and died January 31, 2009.
I don't recall the year of my father's birth, but his birthday is August 18. He died in February, 1996, on a Friday. I think it was in February. I know it was a Friday; I was to attend the first session of The Way's then new foundational class that night. The session was postponed due to a snow storm. My father was around 73(?) when he died. So he must have been born around 1923. He lived as a quadriplegic the last 13 years of his life.
My son's birthday is coming up on August 14. He will be 21 this year.
What was I doing at 21 years old? That would have been August, 1980, the beginning of my interim year of the 10th Way Corps. That August, I worked Children's Camp for Corps Week at The Way College in Indiana. I then went to the Rock of Ages, the 5-day then annual festival of The Way where we welcomed home the Word Over the World (WOW) Ambassadors from the previous year and celebrated the commissioning of the new WOW Ambassadors for the current year; years running from August to August.
I went out WOW that year of 1980. It was my second time going WOW and was my interim year Way Corps assignment. I was a WOW team coordinator and was sent to Torrington, Connecticut. I left "the WOW field" in AWOL fashion in October that same year. The shame of that action haunted me for decades, and still haunts me at times. I broke my vow, a most heinous action, especially for Way Corps.
August, 1981, I found myself in a Way Home in Cleveland, Ohio, starting The Way Corps all over again with my second apprenticeship year. I developed asthma at that time, around September, 1981. My last bout with severe asthma attacks was January, 1999. I still use an inhaler on a somewhat regular basis, but have no severe attacks anymore. I hope I never do again.
August, 2009, is when "Ria" came to our home and ended up staying for seven weeks. I've written very little about that experience. It was a roller coaster ride, and an odd one, culminating in October, 2009, and me leaving my own home shaken with fear due to her final outburst. Previous to that outburst, I had told her she could stay with us awhile. That changed when she broke the dish and had yet another melt down, another one directed at me. At the time, I wondered if she suffered from DID. I had wanted to help; I failed I guess.
As much as I don't want to bring up the not-too-distant past experience with my ex-therapist, the culmination of that experience, happened in August, 2010. As silly as it may sound, not a day goes by as of yet that I don't think about that and still wonder how in god's name it ended up like it did. It's still difficult for me to believe and accept, and I get embarrassed at the impact it has had on me. I wish that weren't the case; I wish I had a switch to turn it off. Eventually it will drift into the memory vault of past "stuff." My typical grief and integration time period after something touches me deeply is two years. August 2 and 3, 2012, will mark two years.
2012, the year 'everyone' is waiting for with the grand date being 12/21/12. My husband's birthday is 12/22. I imagine we will celebrate it like any other birthday.
________________________________
Addendum: Dad died February 16, 1996.
________________________________
August 5, 2011
Cocoon Shelter
The pen draws me in
Enticing me to write
Letters appear
Words form
Images sketched
The pen draws me out
__________________________
Yerba and I continued putting one foot in front of the other. The woods were dark and dense, the terrain uneven and becoming more and more rocky. I like to hike over rocks. But I was tired. The night was dark. Going was slow.
I had to be extra diligent to keep my head lamp focused to see the ground in front of us, to pick up my feet and not allow them to drag from fatigue, to place my trekking poles in the right places so as to maintain balance. Yerba's four legs and agile body skillfully ambled the rocky path. Then she'd lay down on the flat of the path and wait for me.
What a great trail dog.
We need to keep walking. The end can't be that much further, can it? There really isn't any open spaces of ground free from trees and rocks and scrubbage on which to sleep now.
"Scrubbage." I like that word, a word my son made up in his younger days. It should make it into the dictionary, "scrubbage." Along with the acronym "AFGO." My friend, Robin, made up AFGO - "another fucking growth opportunity."
It's good our minds don't permanently record everything us humans think. Imagine all the thoughts that are going on at this moment. Oh my; it gets very noisy.
I heard someone hollering. "Carol Welch!" Then a pause. Then again. "Carol! Carol Welch!"
It was my son, Josh.
"Hey! I'm here!" I bellowed back, glad to know that Yerba and I really had made progress to our destination.
In another 30 seconds we saw each others' faces, our foreheads adorned with miniature spot lights.
"Gosh," Josh's visage went from fear to relief and he exhaled a huge sigh. "I was so worried that something happened to ya'll. I mean, I was scared that you might be lying somewhere injured...or dead. I knew you must be out of water. I was so worried."
"Nah, we're fine." I responded as Josh handed me a water bottle. I pulled out Yerba's drinking dish and she lapped up the clear beverage. "It's just taking a lot longer than we thought, obviously. The trail is rough through here. How is it beyond here?"
The water was a pleasant relief.
"It's rocky, then smooths out." Josh replied. "There's a shelter 1/2 mile or so before 19E. I asked the hikers there if they had seen you. They know I'm up here looking for you."
He figured he'd hiked in around 2 miles maybe from where the car was parked, but it was hard to tell. Hiking goes much slower in the dark, over rocks, amidst shadows. Regardless, we had a trek ahead of us.
"Yerba's really tired."
"I bet," Josh replied. "My respect for her has sky-rocketed after today. She is a real trooper."
The three of us rested and chatted a few more minutes, then started again.
Thank God Josh was there. In less than 1/4-mile we came to a rock scramble where Josh had to carry Yerba. She simply couldn't do the scramble. Had it been daytime, Yerba and I could have probably figured out a way for her to get around it. But in the dark fatigue...well, I just wouldn't have attempted it. And there was no way I could carry her over the scramble. Josh's 19-year old sculpted physique almost effortlessly performed the task.
After an hour or so that seemed like forever, we saw some lights. A round bubble glowed with an eerie haze. I put Yerba on leash.
Yerba began a low growl as we approached. A voice from the tent whispered, "Holy shit. What's that?"
I chuckled, "It's o.k. It's my dog and we're people."
I knew that "holy shit" feeling as you're parked beside the trail and you hear noises in the night and you know there ain't nothing you can do about whatever it is beyond your thin tent walls providing a false sense of security from the elements.
I hear a sigh of relief, "Thank God." Then a chuckle from inside the glow. Yerba, continued with her low growl and a few barks as we passed the alien-looking structure, I verbally assured her it was o.k.
We hiked another few hundred yards and there were a couple more tents and a few people milling about.
"Hey! You found your mom!" The voices were cheerful.
"Yeah. I was worried there for a bit," Josh replied.
Yerba had stopped her growling and was her friendly self.
That is until she began growling and barking non-stop. I turned about to see what the excitement was. A shelter.
Shelters on the AT are wooden structures. Most have an elevated floor, three sides, and roof. Some have an upstairs. All have places to hang your backpacks off the floor and ground, helps keeps varmints out of the packs.
I don't sleep in shelters. I like my tent. In fact, I love my tent; it's my home on the trail. But shelters are nice if it's raining. And there is usually always a water source not too far from a shelter.
I peered around focusing my head lamp and eyes. I laughed. About five backpacks were hanging in mid-air in the shelter. I'd bark too, if I were a dog.
The scene reminded me of the movie Cocoon.
Ghostly backpacks, suspended in time and space in the dark within three walls.
****
Home Among The Balds (part 1 of 3)
The Woods Have Eyes (part 2 of 3)
Cocoon Shelter (part 3 of 3)
****
__________________________
Enticing me to write
Letters appear
Words form
Images sketched
The pen draws me out
__________________________
Yerba and I continued putting one foot in front of the other. The woods were dark and dense, the terrain uneven and becoming more and more rocky. I like to hike over rocks. But I was tired. The night was dark. Going was slow.
I had to be extra diligent to keep my head lamp focused to see the ground in front of us, to pick up my feet and not allow them to drag from fatigue, to place my trekking poles in the right places so as to maintain balance. Yerba's four legs and agile body skillfully ambled the rocky path. Then she'd lay down on the flat of the path and wait for me.
What a great trail dog.
We need to keep walking. The end can't be that much further, can it? There really isn't any open spaces of ground free from trees and rocks and scrubbage on which to sleep now.
"Scrubbage." I like that word, a word my son made up in his younger days. It should make it into the dictionary, "scrubbage." Along with the acronym "AFGO." My friend, Robin, made up AFGO - "another fucking growth opportunity."
It's good our minds don't permanently record everything us humans think. Imagine all the thoughts that are going on at this moment. Oh my; it gets very noisy.
I heard someone hollering. "Carol Welch!" Then a pause. Then again. "Carol! Carol Welch!"
It was my son, Josh.
"Hey! I'm here!" I bellowed back, glad to know that Yerba and I really had made progress to our destination.
In another 30 seconds we saw each others' faces, our foreheads adorned with miniature spot lights.
"Gosh," Josh's visage went from fear to relief and he exhaled a huge sigh. "I was so worried that something happened to ya'll. I mean, I was scared that you might be lying somewhere injured...or dead. I knew you must be out of water. I was so worried."
"Nah, we're fine." I responded as Josh handed me a water bottle. I pulled out Yerba's drinking dish and she lapped up the clear beverage. "It's just taking a lot longer than we thought, obviously. The trail is rough through here. How is it beyond here?"
The water was a pleasant relief.
"It's rocky, then smooths out." Josh replied. "There's a shelter 1/2 mile or so before 19E. I asked the hikers there if they had seen you. They know I'm up here looking for you."
He figured he'd hiked in around 2 miles maybe from where the car was parked, but it was hard to tell. Hiking goes much slower in the dark, over rocks, amidst shadows. Regardless, we had a trek ahead of us.
"Yerba's really tired."
"I bet," Josh replied. "My respect for her has sky-rocketed after today. She is a real trooper."
The three of us rested and chatted a few more minutes, then started again.
Thank God Josh was there. In less than 1/4-mile we came to a rock scramble where Josh had to carry Yerba. She simply couldn't do the scramble. Had it been daytime, Yerba and I could have probably figured out a way for her to get around it. But in the dark fatigue...well, I just wouldn't have attempted it. And there was no way I could carry her over the scramble. Josh's 19-year old sculpted physique almost effortlessly performed the task.
After an hour or so that seemed like forever, we saw some lights. A round bubble glowed with an eerie haze. I put Yerba on leash.
Yerba began a low growl as we approached. A voice from the tent whispered, "Holy shit. What's that?"
I chuckled, "It's o.k. It's my dog and we're people."
I knew that "holy shit" feeling as you're parked beside the trail and you hear noises in the night and you know there ain't nothing you can do about whatever it is beyond your thin tent walls providing a false sense of security from the elements.
I hear a sigh of relief, "Thank God." Then a chuckle from inside the glow. Yerba, continued with her low growl and a few barks as we passed the alien-looking structure, I verbally assured her it was o.k.
We hiked another few hundred yards and there were a couple more tents and a few people milling about.
"Hey! You found your mom!" The voices were cheerful.
"Yeah. I was worried there for a bit," Josh replied.
Yerba had stopped her growling and was her friendly self.
That is until she began growling and barking non-stop. I turned about to see what the excitement was. A shelter.
Shelters on the AT are wooden structures. Most have an elevated floor, three sides, and roof. Some have an upstairs. All have places to hang your backpacks off the floor and ground, helps keeps varmints out of the packs.
I don't sleep in shelters. I like my tent. In fact, I love my tent; it's my home on the trail. But shelters are nice if it's raining. And there is usually always a water source not too far from a shelter.
I peered around focusing my head lamp and eyes. I laughed. About five backpacks were hanging in mid-air in the shelter. I'd bark too, if I were a dog.
The scene reminded me of the movie Cocoon.
Ghostly backpacks, suspended in time and space in the dark within three walls.
****
Home Among The Balds (part 1 of 3)
The Woods Have Eyes (part 2 of 3)
Cocoon Shelter (part 3 of 3)
****
__________________________