Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings and memoir as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. Most of the sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW.
________________________
journal entry - thought record: Knapp's FB page
11/17/2010
I'm having a hormone day to day, along with allergy trouble and swollen glands.
Dreams were vivid, as usual. This time it was about a bizarre incident on the phone. In the past week I've had dreams of naked people. I don't recall any house dreams the past week. Hm.
I was just reading an article, which was really an e-mail letter (apparently from a client), on John's FB page. John wrote an intro to it about triggers. The date the article was posted was September 27, 2010.
Reading John's words triggered me. And I again ask myself, "Carol, why do you read that stuff?"
Anyhoo, let me try a type of thought record.
I read the FB article. I read the email (written by, who I suppose is, a client) and then read John's intro.
What were my thoughts in response to the email?
- John had that one exercise to envision the word "asshole" on someone's forehead.
- What's wrong with me that I have a hard time getting angry?
- I wish I could be more "so-the-fuck-what" like.
- I used to write John emails when I was processing stuff.
- John told me that he doesn't promote name-calling, but that maybe I need a bit more of that in my life - in balance of course. Not to name-call really, but to be able to (privately in my head) call someone a jerk or a retard or an asshole. And I have done that at times, when I get angry. When I wrote the rant about John and posted it on toss & ripple, I called John a jerk. I was so pissed off when Louise asked in her email to me, "Did you ever find out what you did that was so wrong?" It really caused me to be angry with John because of the position I was put in in regard to my relationship with Louise. I'm getting pissed off just thinking about it again. (Back to thoughts.)
- I miss the emails with John. Sometimes I wonder if they were a good thing. I mean they were for therapy, because I wrote my thoughts down and he had them right in front of him. On the other hand, I wonder if it made John too accessible for me. I wonder if via email exchanges, a different dynamic comes into play in therapy. I wonder if a certain intimacy develops...not romantic, but some sort of extra-dependency. (back to thought record)
What were my feelings in response to the email?
Grief - 60%
Abandonment - 90%
Loss - 95%
Small - 60%
Outcast - 75%
A blight - 85%
Ashamed - 60%
A failure - 80%
Balanced thoughts:
- I do get angry sometimes, but not excessively.
- It's understandable that I don't get angry much; it's not pleasant & due to my past (Dad & my fits in my younger days).
- I am more carefree than I used to be.
- I care less what others think about me, but I still want to be liked; that's human.
- I do miss John and that's normal. I can remember the good but shouldn't dismiss the inappropriate words or boundaries that were John's responsibility.
Feelings now:
Grief - 30%
Abandonment - 75%
Loss - 60%
Small - 0%
Outcast - 0%
A blight - 20%
Ashamed - 10%
A failure - 20%
*******************************
What were my thoughts in response John's intro to the email?
- You damn hypocrite!
- Don't you see that what you did to me is exactly what you are writing about?!
- And then what you wrote to Louise about me? That if anyone else read your words to me that they would see that they weren't that bad?! WTF?!? You knew (or should have known) my deepest triggers and you used them against me and then justify it?
- Why do I read your shit?!
What were my feelings in response to John's intro to the email?
Anger - 90%
Incensed - 95%
Rage - 90%
Smouldering - 90%
Pissed off - 90%
Vengeful - 80%
Balanced thoughts:
- John is human and ambivalent; that doesn't mean he is a hypocrite.
- John did me wrong and did not own up. I have taken the proper action. He may recognize that now, or maybe already had recognized it but didn't know how to handle it.
- John would not want me to suppress my anger toward him, but would want me to deal constructively with that anger...even if that anger is toward him.
- John knows he is not beyond causing another to get triggered.
- John's email to Louise was inappropriate. Dr. McColloch's analysis of that situation is accurate. John obviously has boundary issues.
- I'm not sure why I read John's stuff. I imagine I am still processing. It won't last forever.
Feelings now:
Anger - 30%
Incensed - 5%
Rage - 0%
Smouldering - 10%
Pissed off - 20%
Vengeful - 10%
Humor (added) - 90% I just wrote in response to the email about how I have trouble feeling anger and in the next thought record see that I did feel anger. *chuckle* Funny that.
**********************
No comments:
Post a Comment