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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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entry january 9, 2011, 1:30 am
Tomorrow begins my new year.
I will lay out some plans, goals for the year.
This evening I've felt like I've had critters crawling all over my skin. I've been having my period for a few days. Yesterday and today have been my heavy days. My chin broke out. I hope it's not MRSA. Then tonight my finger.
And I feel an invisible creepy entity crawling my skin.
Weird. Like how my blood used to feel like it was itchy.
I just went up to go to bed. I popped a Xanax to calm the skin. Yes, another odd thing.
I checked in with my heart and realize...it's Knapp crap again. I simply cannot (in any healthy way) read or interact with any of his projects.
Earlier today I donated $25 to help the Beyond the Art of Living blog because it is under threat from the Art of Living Corporation. Well...Knapp is the one who set up the BAoL defense fund. He set it up through his soon to open Healing Center for Spiritual and Cultic Abuse. I sent a note with my payment, which I made via Paypal.
"This donation is ONLY for the BAoL defense fund, NOT for the Center for Healing Spiritual & Cultic Abuse, Inc. For reasons I currently do not want to share, I am not comfortable supporting the CHSCA. I do support freedom of speech & transparency. Go for it BAoL! Thank you, ~carol welch"
Now I wish I never would have donated funds. I feel ... hmmm ... kind of dirty. I think now that my skin condition is actually a response to my virtual connect with John via that blog...even though John and I will probably not communicate.
I did want to help the BAoL blog, but I don't want to support the CHSCA.
And now I regret that I sent the money.
It behooves me to have no connect at all with Knapp. It is simply too triggering.
So...connect with my heart. Pull in my truth. What does that mean, pull in my truth? Heart connect. Visit my personas. Recognize that by donating, I haven't committed a mortal sin. I sent only $25. But I can't do it again. I simply can't.
John really harmed me. Some people would laugh. Probably John laughs it off.
I told Lema today when we were chatting that I feel like a piece of dental floss. And I do. I feel John used me and threw me out. I still shake my head in disbelief at times of his treatment toward me.
Inside, I want his non-profit to fail. At the same time I don't want others to get hurt in the same way that John has hurt me and Mia and Sam and Lema and Karen and the others at [certain organization]. And Louise...she got hurt in all this too. It's just so wrong.
I wonder if I can cancel my donation. Hmm...
Just checked on it...too late.
I'm sorry Carol.
I forgive you. Just next time, wait a bit before you jump. You're still learning.
God I hope John doesn't harm others in this process of his agenda. I simply cannot support that center.
My stomach turns.... :-(
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