journal entry ~ february 17, 2011

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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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journal entry
february 17, 2011

It's 12:54 AM on 2/17/11.

Today at work, I found another email exchange between Knapp and I from back in June, 2010. I had forgotten about it. I had forgotten that John had shared with me that he'd been hospitalized in 2001 for [certain symptom].

I hurt when I read the exchange. I feel I betrayed John by sharing with some about his mental health challenges. Who have I shared it with?

First, there was Dr. McColloch.
Second, was Karen Spade.
Third, was Mia.

After that, I'm not sure of the order. Maybe Louise was next, sometime in September when she had already mentioned at least 3 different times about her concern that John had [certain symptoms] and that she sometimes worried that he might [act]. I told her then, after she brought it up multiple times.

After Louise, I think I shared it with Lema. And then with Joe.

Somewhere through that I shared it with Leah, my son, hubby,...and lastly Sam.

Oh...and the state of NY...I shared with them. I've also read aloud some memoirs in the workshop.

None of those folks are jabber mouths. That said, folks talk. That's what people do.

I feel bad that I told people. I would never have shared the information had things not ended like they did between John and I.

I do wonder if the Center for Healing Spiritual and Cutlic Abuse is going to open. I feel bad for John as far as another failure. It hurts.

Then again....the CHSCA might open with flying colors any day now.

I've wondered if Knapp's online discussion board is back up because John is working on it for the CHSCA...transferring the name or something. But couldn't he do that without going online? I feel certain he can.

I've wondered if he reupped it as bait for me. I roll my eyes with that thought. I'm not that important. Part of me thinks that John doesn't have time for those type games. OTOH, I don't know. I noticed he took time to make an avatar with donkeydoodoolsd written on the color of monkeyvoodoo's old avatar.

I sent the email exchange I found to Diane, the NY investigator. I'm simply reporting everything now. I don't care anymore about being discreet about the stuff. It's not that I'm trying to "burn" John, though I have wanted to at times. I do want to be open. Plus, the exchanges reveal stuff about me too. I'm sending contexts.

I sure feel much more free by sending the stuff to the investigator.

John is a therapist. He can't go around doing what he has done to people. I want him to be free in who he is; but with freedom comes responsibility. And with his degree comes responsibility.

I'm a forgiving person. And I will forgive John, even if he never approaches me again. Yet he needs to be accountable.

I'll not write about him in a nasty way.

He needs compassion, not judgement.

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I just looked at the Knapp online discussion board again.

I wonder if John put it up to draw Lema and I back? I wonder if everything else fell through, so he thought maybe we would still want to work with him? Is it a type of passive aggressive type thing, maybe?

That's pretty far fetched Carol.

Yeah, pretty far fetched.

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