journal entry ~ march 10, 2011

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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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journal entry
march 10, 2011 ~ 1:40 AM

I just got home from work. I'm going to have to go back for 2 hours tomorrow. I think I'll go tomorrow night. Hmm...I could go in from 9:00 to 11:00 and have all done that needs to be done.

I'll leave a note for Lewis that I didn't have time to tally the green cards. I'll do them Thursday, 3/17, unless something else is really pressing. I'd like to tally letters A through M. Then in April tally letters N through Z.

My days have been dizzily busy. I am finding that I have to take time to write in order to feel connected. I refuse to allow the pressure of growth and so-called progress to usurp my traction in life.

Traction, like when one grips the handle bars that steer the bike on which the wheels are turning gripping the road or the trail. Hmm...there are so many trails and so much to discover.

Tonight I had that old feeling of being unintelligent. It's a childlike feeling, in a bad sense. Like I'm not good enough. I think it was my photographs with all my blemishes and fat. My face looks like I have warts with my big pores and scars and raised, flesh-colored mole-like bumps that I don't know what they are.

I feel so ugly.

I feel dumb.

I feel unprofessional.

I feel dirty.

I want to believe in myself.

Ahh...remember my DBT radical statements....1000 decisions have led to this moment. There is a reason I'm fat and a reason I have blemishes and a reason I feel dirty.

But, I'm not ugly, ugly.

So it's o.k.

I am a good person. I must keep telling myself that.

Why John Knapp was cruel to me is because he is a narcissist. Plus he has done similar to others.

Now I got distracted with my photos for my site.

Can I do this business? Yes, I can. I can be professional and responsible. I'm not a child; I am an adult. Even if I don't feel like it, I can act like it.

I don't have to rush. Take my time.

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Got my photos picked for the website.

Tomorrow:
Bills
Computer
Packages for Cindy and Joe and Sarah
Write Sarah
Pack my pack
Lewis's 2 hours

Call: Katelin & Denise & Leah

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