entry ~ loving me

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings and memoir as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. Most of the sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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entry ~ loving me
november, 14, 2010

What to write.

So much to write.

This past week I wrote Joe about what happened with John Knapp. I wonder to myself, "How could I be so blind?" And then my thought is, "John isn't a bad person. He was so personable, caring, empathetic, encouraging, brotherly." And I don't think he is a bad person; I do think he is sick. He needs to heed his limitations.

I thought sometime within the last 10 days that John would make a better expose journalist than a counselor. Then I thought, "No. That's not it. Can't a person be both and do it in such a way that is compassionate?" As a client, I felt genuinely heard and cared for. Right now, those are the two most important aspects of John's care that I can articulate. He also helped clear the fog, when my mind would become cloudy.

As I sit hear and think to pinpoint words to describe John's care as a therapist, I hurt. Not because of the care; I felt genuinely loved by John...a brotherly love. I hurt because of how it all ended. I hurt because I felt my only reasonable alternative was to file a complaint. It was painful.

Yet, it was like popping a blister. Or like when I had MRSA so badly on my knee. Once it oozed, the pain became less.

I had to ooze. The complaint, for me, was an ooze.

Carol, how 'bout just highlighting some points. No need to go into deep explanation here. Just simple words.

Comparing John's work and Dr. McColloch's work and Janet's work:

Dependency. Dr. McColloch - there was a time I felt very dependent on him and Dr. Piva. We discussed it. Dr. Piva dropped me and left his job. My dependency with Dr. McColloch faded. Janet - I didn't feel the dependency I'd felt at one time with Dr. McColloch; I don't know why. John - I hate to admit it, but what come to mind is identity; he presented the labels "activist" and "colleague." I have never thought of myself as an "activist" for anything. My mind fogs over when I think of "dependency" and John. We did discuss it.

Graduation. Dr. McColloch nor Janet talked of a "graduation." The door was always there; I was a client. That never changed. Perhaps the "graduation" is something John does as a rite of passage for all his clients who were involved in cults. Perhaps John presented me a choice for the graduation certificate. I don't recall.

Well, that's about all I reckon I'll write about that because I just went on a search to find my graduation email from John (which I still can't find), I ended up feeling anxious and foggy, tense and shameful. Why would I feel shame? I also feel sad, disappointed, insecure, humiliation, and a bit self-loathsome. I wonder why?

The truth of the matter is....

Ah. I just caught myself while endeavoring to analyze "the truth of the matter." I caught myself in the throws of insecurity and doubt, not knowing if I can trust myself.

I can't examine and judge John, but yet I continue to do so. Am I doing all this thinking for that purpose, to make myself right? Or am I examining in order to understand what happened?

Regardless of the "why," my emotional response is what it is. I bring to mind what the investigator stated. Something like, "We can't have it foggy. It needs to be black/white." She paused and then asked, "Were you paying him for services?" I answered, "Yes. My last paid session was June 30th." She responded, "Then you were his client. It doesn't matter what ya'll called the sessions. If you paid him, you were a client."

And that is true.

Another truth is that I wouldn't be reporting him, except for the way our relationship ended. John knew my vulnerabilities. And if he didn't, he wasn't paying attention in our sessions.

O.K.

Good. :-)

I feel more confident now.

Love life Carol. Love tomorrow. Take time around the house and on finances...because of love. Take time in the evening to write...because you love yourself. By loving yourself, you love others.

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