Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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journal entry rendition
march 6, 2011
12:14 AM
My god-dog, is sleeping over here tonight through Tuesday night. He is such a sweetie.
Yerba was here last night and tonight. It's fun and fascinating to watch them play. Their teeth look so ferocious; yet, they know just the right jaw pressure to use for play. I hear their teeth click each other as they tussle with mouths wide open. I guess I could name it the game of jaws...or dawg-jawing.
Last night, in the wee morning hours, I peeked in on The Center for Healing Spiritual and Cultic Abuse's website, the CHSCA. That's John Knapp's new non-profit. It appears to be up and running. I was cut to the heart, and I felt sick to my stomach.
It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.
It seems silly, I guess. But I can't deny the pain it causes. It's been seven months now since John cut me down to the size of a non-person and then cut me off. It was like two swoops with a long dagger. In one journal entry back in August or September I called it a slice and hatchet.
I saw that David is still a part of the CHSCA staff. So weird, David who doesn't believe that [certain illness] even exists, working with John. Perhaps John has shared about that with David, but I doubt it.
I saw Mary is a part of the CHSCA team too. That probably hurt more than anything. Maybe Mary wasn't a client of John's, but I'd bet money that she recently was. I did send the investigator the information regarding Mary and that I wondered if she might be a client of John's.
After my gut wrench when I saw the site for the Center, reminding me that I was going to have a platform, so to speak, there...I felt jilted. I felt used. But what was I used for? That, I am not sure.
Here is a cult recovery counselor setting up a cult recovery non-profit service to help folks who are exiting groups, but yet my experience with that counselor ended up much the same as with a cult.
I also noticed an article that looked like it was written by Janja.
I don't know about any of these cult-recovery people anymore. The whole field seems like just another power-hungry group. Except for Karen. But then the ICSA seems to be more about helping the individual. But I could be wrong there too.
I had to take two Xanax last night after I saw John's non-profit site. I can't go back there for a long while. It plain old hurts too much.
I cursed John in a prayer, hoping the non-profit fails. I did the same again today.
I then brought to mind that which I have control over and which I promised to myself regarding this whole fiasco.
- speak my truth
- uphold my integrity
- not succumb to silencing myself
- be an advocate for me
- be truthful
- be open to possible various outcomes
This morning I posted a retraction on a site where I had previously recommended John. My retraction hasn't been approved yet. And I wasn't hateful in what I wrote. But I forgot to copy and save it. Hopefully it will be approved soon.
I wrote so as not to succumb to silencing myself and to be truthful.
I then reminded myself to be open to possible various outcomes. I have to walk away and do so with some integrity. I will publish any writing about it on my time table, which means when I want to. That may be soon, may be later, may be never.
I wonder if it's true what I heard...that John has or at least 10 years ago had {...} collection that is important to him. It's just a so-what thing, but on the other hand it adds to the mix of someone who isn't what he appears.
John didn't even respect my request to take me off as moderator and administrator of his online discussion board which he re-activated last month.
And here I am concerned about hurting him if I post my story.
What a jerk.
I registered my domain name today for my new business. I look forward to caring for the beloved critters.
Dawg-jawing. Maybe dog is man's best friend.
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[end entry. A rendition was also posted here.]
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