It Will Become a Memory

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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings and memoir as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. Most of the sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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it will become a memory
february 2, 2011

I don't feel emotion as much these days. I feel flat, somewhat cold toward others. I hope I don't stay here. It's a somewhat colorless place.

Perhaps I'm more sobered since the incidents surrounding John Knapp.

My friends in The Way are no more. Most of my ex-Way friends are no longer. John Knapp and the small support group he facilitated where I was connected are gone. No more, no longer, gone - in that we no longer speak or engage dialog. Now, our relationships are mainly a memory.

So weird. In each of those situations - The Way, GreaseSpot Cafe, Knapp and his little support group - in each I tried to do the right thing.

The friends I have now, a couple which are ex-Way, have told me that I did do the right thing. It was right to leave The Way, thus leaving behind that community I'd known for 28 years. It was right to stand up for an anathema but innocent-of-the-false-accusations-against-him person in the ex-Way community on GreaseSpot Cafe thereby aligning myself with the 'enemy.' It was right to file the complaint against Knapp, probably forever disabling any sort of reconciliation between he and I and certain others who align with him.

The complaint against John Knapp. The complaint. The complaint.

I called the senior investigator at New York State again on Monday. Again I got her voice mail. Again I left a message, but this time stating I'd really like to hear back. "Hey Diane. This is Carol Welch. It is Monday, around 3:30 pm. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I filed the complaint against John M. Knapp and last spoke with you in mid-December. I'd really like to hear what is happening with the case. I also have a couple things I'd like to send you via email, but I don't have your email address. I know ya'll have a lot of snow up there. Hope you are staying warm. Thank you."

The couple things via email.

One of the things is a link to a post on the Knapp Family Counseling Facebook page where John Knapp is soliciting funds, apparently for his practice. Someone named Mary responded to that post that maybe she could help John fund raise. I really wonder if Mary is a current or recent client of John's; their online exchanges remind me of my and John's past exchanges when I was his client.

The other thing is a link to one of John's Twitter accounts where he identifies himself as "DonkeyDooDooLSD." He set up that account back in July, 2010, a few weeks after his private email to me from mid-June when he was going through a mental health crises. The June email was a cry for help; he revealed he has [certain mental illness], complete with [certain symptoms] with "dozens, maybe hundreds, of different things in his head." And how he "had recently become aware that to make any major decision or even sometimes what to say next, he had to check in with them all."

DonkeyDooDooLSD. John's bio profile for that account states: "Kicking Ass & Taking Names, Exploring the Boundary Between Consensual Reality & Private Delusion." That's all fine and dandy for someone like Michael Moore. But John? A public profile? He is a licensed social worker, supposedly a pyschotherapist for people who have been abused.

John set up his DonkeyDooDoo Twitter account as a counter to and parody of a guy who calls himself "Monkeyvoodoophd" with a Twitter account by the same name. Monkeyvoodoo is a faithful devotee of Transcendental Meditation and the Transcendental Meditation Organization (TMO). Monkey, who desires to hide his given name, and John have apparently gone at each other for years in various online venues. Monkey, the TMO defender, and John, the TMO critic.

From what I've read online Monkey lives in the Knoxville area. He likes hiking and biking and visits the Asheville TMO Center. He is married, maybe has two children, and supposedly teaches philosophy.

Sometime in July Monkey took a stab at John stating that he wondered if John suffered from small penis syndrome and if that's why John had to be so loud against the Transcendental Meditation Organization. John went back at Monkeyvoodoo by setting up the DonkeyDooDoo account and then tweeting about sizes of "dicks," comparing "dicks," and accusing Monkey of threatening John's career and cyberstalking John's family. I doubt Monkey was guilty of any stalking. John has brought that up a few times - how he and his family have been stalked and threatened. I've never asked any details.

John has stated more than once that he likes to utilize a shock factor to promote his message.

Monkey deleted his Twitter account sometime after that. I felt kind of sorry for Monkey.

The NY investigator called me back today. She got my voice mail and left a message. Then she sent an email. The NY State board says there were definite boundary violations with John and my relationships. No surprise there. But now the board is questioning the legitimacy of online and phone therapy.

The investigator had specific questions in her email. One being, "Is John still out there on the internet in some capacity?"

I sure wish doing the right thing felt better.
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