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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings and memoir as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. Most of the sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW.
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Processing Through the Knapp Senario ~ Intro & We Meet
Journal entry, 11/15/10
Intro
I've been pondering as when and how my relationship with John went awry.
So Carol, write down some of the thoughts you've had. Thoughts you've had while on your walks. Thoughts you've have while driving. Thoughts you've had in trying to identify the plummet you took and remained in for over three months in regard to how things ended with John. In regard to your discussions you've had since the impasse with John, the discussions via phone and email with Mia and Karen and Louise and Lema.
When I wrote out the complaint summary, it was apparent to me that when I took on the role as moderator for John's online discussion board, that that is when things began to really change. There was stuff before that - like what happened with me and John on the Church Abuse discussion board. Like when I started blogging and Tweeting. Like when John stated that he thought of me more as a colleague than as a client and when he referred to me as an activist.
As I've been walking and thinking and looking back, I've been cataloging in my mind the history of my getting to know John. Of the develop of our relationship. Of the backstory to that development. Of my mindsets before and through the development.
Carol, you can list that stuff. You don't have to wait to write the scenario in what you consider to be memoir-style. Just log the events and thoughts for now. Log them in similar fashion as you logged the information that you sent in your complaint to NY state.
This is writing for you Carol. For your own benefit. It isn't for other eyes, until and unless you decide to share it. It is yours, completely and totally. If you decide to memoir about it later, you can (if you want) look back at this for a record to help put you back into that time and place.
And if in logging this, if in that process any of the logging goes into journaling or memoiring...let that aspect flow.
Write for you Carol. For Carol. For Carol.
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We Meet
June-ish, 2008: John first posted on the anti-Way website GreaseSpot Cafe (GSC) after a GSC member posted a link on the GSC discussion board to John's Knapp Family Counseling website. That GSC poster surmised that John might be an ex-TWI follower or minister (I can't recall which now) as there were some Knapps in TWI that I think had been in The Way Corps and had posted on the GSC discussion board in the past.
John received an email alert that a link to his site had been posted on GSC, so he checked it out and rightly so. He posted a response to the GSC member clarifying that he had not been a follower of TWI.
June, 2008: Before John responded on GSC, I looked over John's 'Knapp Family Counseling' site via the link posted at GSC. It was obvious to me that the GSC member who linked John's site had not read John's site. I learned, by reading John's site, that John had been with the Transcendental Meditation Organization (TMO). I also read about John's thoughts regarding cults. I liked what I read. He wasn't "anti-cult" in the sense of demonizing people or organizations.
June/July-ish, 2008: At some point shortly thereafter (and maybe after John posted his response and got into a discussion at GSC) I hesitantly sent John an email. I was hesitant because at that time (June/July 2008) I wasn't posting at GSC and hadn't posted for over a year due to false accusations and "cultic" type stuff that had happened to me (and others) via the GSC board.
I was still (after over a year) working through those events. There was ongoing residual toxicity and overspill elsewhere from the GSC scenarios. I felt an outcast and had been labeled untrustworthy. The "anti-cult" community seemed as cultic (and maybe more[?] toxic) than the so-called "cults."
John's writings on his website came across as balanced, neither 'cult' or 'anti-cult.'
Anyway, I emailed John two links. One to Bernie's site which I had found when I had googled "anti-cult cults" and one to Jim Moyers site.
I think in that email to John, I included that I didn't post at the GSC discussion board anymore because I'd had some bad experiences with the people there.
When I emailed John, I didn't expect a response.
July, 2008: To my surprise, John emailed me back. He stated he was sorry to hear about the harmful experiences I'd had at GSC and asked if I'd like to share with him about what happened...that is if I felt comfortable doing so and only if I wanted to share.
I thought it over and nervously responded letting John know a snippet of the stuff (for it is very complex involving multiple circles of people and relationships 2D and 3D) and letting him know some of my thoughts regarding the anti-cult community; ie: that perhaps the paranoia and us/them mindset that is prevalent in cultic groups continues when people switch sides. It seems to be a mirror, the end of two extremes on a continuum.
July, 2008: John wrote back, confirming and validating what I had shared. I began to think that maybe John could help me work through the rest of my GSC processing. I googled John's name to search for more stuff on the net. I mainly found a message which appeared like spam on lots of blogs and sites that talked about TM. John's spam-type message was short and stated something like that some people considered the TMO a cult and if folks wanted to learn about that they could visit some sites. And John listed alternative TM sites. I don't recall which ones. He also had a link to his page.
The spam-type messages didn't bother me, though I had a niggling thought that it seemed odd for a therapist to post messages like that.
I told myself that I don't know that much about the web. That maybe other therapist do that. That I had to balance the spam-type messages with what I read on John's site. That the spam-type messages were not unkind; they just stated a couple simple sentences with links.
I asked myself, "But why does he not engage in conversation after he posts those messages?" I answered myself, "I imagine he is simply too busy and just wants to get the word out. It's not that big of deal Carol."
I made the complimentary phone appointment with John to see if I'd like to try some therapy with him.
I wanted it to work. I didn't ask John about the spam-type messages. I was feeling desperate for a way to get away from the GSC stuff. I'd been going to Janet and it had helped some, but I still cried a lot. I still would feel rage over the GSC crap; Janet and I couldn't figure out why I felt so much rage. I'm not a rageful person.
I decided from our phone call, I liked John. I liked his approach. I liked that he was into CBT, something that had helped me in the past. I liked that he was open to helping me work through the stuff that happened to me in a group (GSC) that supposedly helped in recovery of ex-cultees.
I told Janet I was switching to John. She was fine with that and said she was there if I ever needed her.
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I'm tense after writing that. No need to be tense Carol. It simply is what it is. You are not responsible to fix anything. You are responsible for you. The main thing you desire is to be true to yourself.
You are in no hurry. You have nothing to prove. You are being as honest as you know how. You aren't making things up. You can write or not write. Whatever YOU want to do at the pace YOU want to do it.
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[end 11/15/2010 entry]
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