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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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journal entry
february 12, 2011
1:45 AM
I've hardly done any personal writing.
I've written on the new ex-Way forum, Ex-Way Vision. But I don't feel too welcome there. I don't feel I fit.
I posted a blog entry on the Way Corps site. I don't feel I fit there either.
I've been putting together emails and notes for Karen Spade. About what happened with me and John Knapp. I wasn't sure at first why I wanted to send her the records. "Records" being certain emails and certain parts of the complaint I filed with NY State.
I later recognized the reason, or at least what I think is the reason. That is, so that someone reputable has the information. If someone talks about me, about what happened between John and I, Karen will know the rest of the story. If it is appropriate, I feel she will speak up on my behalf.
Today, I posted on Jill Spire's website.
O.K. ... let me back up.
Lema and I were chatting the other day. He said that he had let Leslie know via email that the investigators were looking into my case, taking it seriously. Leslie was glad to hear it and wondered with whom I had filed my case. So I let Lema know and then offered the complaint as a sample. I took out exact dates and John's name, making the complaint anonymous. Leslie will keep the details of the case confidential for now. I may at some point allow her to make them public. Leslie let Lema know about someone writing a book on exposing bad therapy, and that if I'd like to, I could share my story anonymously. Lema shared all that on Wednesday I think...or maybe it was Thursday.
Anyway, today, I went to John Knapp's FB page and noticed Jill's name, as she has commented before on John's page. I recall she was outspoken regarding therapy abuse. So I googled her and spent a couple hours on her site reading. I decided to leave a comment on a couple of her posts. In one of my comments I shared, commenting anonymously, about when John Knapp (without stating his name) disclosed to me he had [certain mental illness] with [symptoms]. I also shared about John and my various relationships.
Jill was complimentary of me speaking out and of filing a complaint.
I commented elsewhere on her blog and used my name there. But on the comment about John, I was anonymous.
Later in the day I went back to her site, after she commented back to my comment. I clicked on one of the recent comments to a differnt blog entry...and discovered that Leslie, who Lema had brought up earlier, had posted on that entry. Also someone else with the screen name "TAV" had posted and now I wonder if it is the person writing the book that Lema mentioned?
The way I find things on the web...the connections, etc. Someone might think I make it up...the serendipitous way connections happen. But they seem to fall into my lap. Why that is, I am not sure. Perhaps it is simply statistics. I have spent a lot of time now on the web researching John Knapp...and I guess I run across Knapp circles.
What else?
I feel I cannot speak freely about what happened with John. I still feel that I am wrong on some level. That I somehow brought John's wrath upon me by my actions; that I am responsible. That what John stated is true, that someone else reading what he wrote would think it wasn't that bad.
And that may be. But they also need to know the background. My 2 years of therapy with John. Our various relationships. John's revealing to me about his [mental health diagnoses]. The run-in John and I had on the Church Abuse forum. John's erratic presence on the Knapp Family Forum. Our Skype talk about The Knapp Center and how John seemed driven to me...on a mission...to get the word to the next generation. About John's past, which I didn't have knowledge of until after he cut me off - the stuff with Margaret Singer and [certain organization] and people there. About John's relationship with Mia. About just a week before John verbally abused me...how I shared with him my problem with being a moderator and administrator on his forum. My fear of abandonment. My fear of authority.
It was a nightmare. And what makes it worse are the circles John runs in. Who would believe me? Would Jill even believe me?
In the past, John stated to me that he thought Leslie was borderline. I've never told anyone that John said that to me. Maybe someday I'll tell Lema. John's words were, "I wouldn't be surprised if Leslie has something like Borderline Personality Disorder." John called Lema borderline too, after the July conflict.
Dr. McColloch knows the complexity.
Oh, I forgot to mention the stuff with Sam.
John's [diagnosis]...should he be practicing with that kind of dysfunction?
I don't know. I don't know.
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