A Mom Who Blogs

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In September, 2009, I "graduated" from therapy with my cult-recovery counselor, John Knapp. But the reality was that I continued to need him when I would have trouble.

Usually I felt a need to connect one-on-one at least every two weeks. But I still considered myself "graduated"...from "therapy."

Within a few months after my "graduation" I hired John as a "life coach." He said the one of the pluses to hiring him as a "life coach" was that he is also trained and licensed in psychotherapy. Another plus, or in hindsight maybe a minus, was that he knew me well by that point.

After 28 years in The Way with my life's focus of "God first, others second, and myself third," after raising and homeschooling my children who were now graduated and leaving the nest, after trying to join in with the anti-Way community and becoming anathema there - after these things along with mid-life and never having a career, I wanted to try to figure out what to do next.

I continued to feel that I had to do something that related to my entire adult life with The Way. How could I just walk away from that? How could I not speak up? It was part of my breath. One can't just pretend 28 years didn't happen. I had loved "the Ministry," it had been my life's work, though all on a volunteer basis. Every goal and plan for those 28 years had revolved around "the Ministry."

So, I began some life coaching with John to try to discover what I was to do now. In between coaching appointments, or sometimes in lieu of, I'd need "therapy" sessions due to *stuff* coming up. But I was still "graduated."

I continued with the Monday night cult-recovery support group that John facilitated. This group had started sometime in 2008 and was initially online in a chat room. Then we moved it to a phone line without a chat room.

The group was never more than around six people at a time, including John. Usually there would be at least three of us to show up. Myself and John and another lady had been in the group from its outset. I felt like a core participant.

Beginning sometime in 2009 John began to refer to me as "more of a colleague than a client" - a colleague in activism regarding totalistic groups; I wasn't an academic or professional colleague. Our relationship was changing...from me being a client to being a colleague and friend, though I still hired John as a life coach which was sometimes really as a therapist.

His compliments and encouragement were a boost to my confidence. At the time I believed he was genuine in his encouragement; I still believe he was. I had battled so long with low self-worth and thinking I was unintelligent. I had come a long way in ten years, not only with the help of John but also others. I was feeling more self-confident on a regular basis, more empowered. More adult.

Sometime toward the end of January, 2010, John set up a private section on his Knapp Family Counseling online discussion board. The private section was by invitation only and was for activists in the field of cult education and aid - ranging from professionals to lay people who simply have a blog. I was invited and joined. It seems around 20 people responded to John's invitation.

I posted a few things, but really didn't know what to post because I'd never seen myself as an "activist." But I had grown into the role once John began referring to me as such back in 2009. At some point I adopted the label and added it to my Twitter bio..."lay activist re toxic groups," or something like that.

But I felt small among some of the names that had joined the forum. Some of whom I had read their books and/or read their writings on the web. What did I have to offer? I wasn't trained in this field. I'd never been a journalist or fought cults or had psychological training or anything like that. I hardly even knew (or didn't know) my opinions on some things.

I was just a mom, who had been a long time with The Way, who blogged.

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Note: The above is more from my personal journal and/or other writings and memoir as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. Most of the sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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