'another day' .... 'renewal'

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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~ entry ~
october 24, 2010

Another day, but not another dollar.

I had another rough day.

But, at least I got up this afternoon. I got dressed. I took Yerba walking on Mountain Trail at Pilot. But I didn't walk too far, only about 1/2 mile. I then lay on a rock and stared at the trees and the sky.

I spoke with Louise on the phone, while I rested on the rock. On the drive up to the trail, I spoke with Leah. After I hung up with Louise, I gave David Mauser a call and left him a voice mail.

I felt sobered after posting my blog on toss & ripple today, and than after the hike.

I felt that I'm o.k. without lots of approval for my blogs. Yes, I miss not having a group with which to bond. I miss the Monday night phone support group. I would like a group with which to discuss cult-related symptoms.

I thought again today, that if I don't think about The Way, I feel disconnected from myself. It's like that was my occupation for almost three decades. How does one not think about that? I don't know.

I am getting sleepy. I'll still probably take a Xanax, just to sleep deeply.

I took four Xanax last night. Sheesh.... ;-/

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Renewal
october 29, 2011

What to write?

It's 12:20 am. I spent the day reading on the web, working on indexing my blogs, and writing and posting my next chapter for Freedom Trek.

I feel like perhaps Freedom Trek will start flowing better now.

I saw Dr. McColloch and Dr. Sapp yesterday. I'm going to increase my Paxil from 20 mg/day to 30 mg/day. My prescription awaits me at Target, I assume. Dr. McColloch and I talked about me getting other interests, perhaps taking some sort of class. I think I'll look into an art class and then a framing class.

Perhaps that will help me get my home in order. I'll have a reason then.

Dr. McColloch and I also discussed why it is I reread this past weekend some of the hurtful emails from Knapp. I don't know why. It's kind of like pulling wounds off a scab. I mentioned to Dr. McColloch that maybe I want to feel something. I don't know.

I have a fantasy of Knapp and I at least somewhat reconciling, but I doubt that will ever happen. I'm embarrassed that the break with Knapp affected me so deeply. It's not like he was my lover or something, and I don't have those type feelings for him. But I do love him in the sense of him having been my therapist. There is grief involved with our break. Part of me wishes he hurts too, but I have a feeling he doesn't. I was just another client, another person passing through.

And he closed the door for further communication. Well, he did open it again with the weird phone call. But then he never returned my call, so I take that as another closed door.

I hope to get back to exercising; I have a belly now. I hope to get the house in order. I hope to track our finances more efficiently.

I want to order soap and aromatherapy.

I'm tempted to write, "I love you God." Hey, maybe I do...huh?
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