journal entry ~ february 27, 2011

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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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12:20 AM
february 27, 2011

Stayed in all day. Ruminating again. Some on John Knapp. Some on the mental health discussion at Jill Spire's blog. Some about my entry on my Way Corp Site blog.

I have to stay calm. I'm simply sharing my opinion and experience. And I am doing so as honestly as I know how. Sure, I want to say I am trembling inside...but I'm not going to say that because then I am exposing too much of my vulnerability to people I don't know. As I write that sentence I think of John Knapp.

I grieve the loss of the relationship I had with John. I let him know I missed the therapeutic relationship. I let him know that on July 27..I think it was. Less than a week later, he cut off contact with me...but first verbally assaulting me.

I want to curl up in a fetal position. I want to berate myself for being a bad client by allowing the dual relationships. In the back of my mind I'm thinking of how stupid I am.

I grieve the loss of John Knapp being in my life. It's like a permanent death, but one that is still alive. It's like a divorce. I didn't have romantic feelings toward John, but I loved him as my therapist, as a person, and I tried to love him as a friend. I failed in the friendship part.

So many times I've thought to reach out and contact him. But I always go back to when he cut me off. He wanted no contact with me. Then he called me and I called back. But I never heard from him, even after I let him know on that call-back that I hadn't called him. Did he not perceive at all the effect his actions had on me? I'm not the one that ceased communication; John was. I have to remember that and honor his request.

I don't know about all the science skeptic mumbo. I'm kind of like that girl that posted on Oprah's blog, the girl that posted in response to Leslie. I'm just not a true believer in empirical studies.

What is an empirical study, anyway? Well I just looked it up...here is a good over veiw.

The Wikipedia article states that empirical evidence is different from an empirical research.

I also notice that empirical data includes observation. Well of course it would. If we don't observe the process and outcomes, what's the point of the study? Duh. So my experiences do count for something in the research of my self and what works for me.

I don't know how reliable hard science is when it comes to empirical evidence on people. I mean, there is always(?) a small percentage that will not respond as the majority. That cannot be ignored.

I still like Audubon's quote: When the bird and the book disagree, believe the bird.

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