No More Secrets II

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Preface: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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journal entry: no more secrets II
12/08/10. 3:15 PM

I'm doing extremely better in regard to Knapp. I'm not sure exactly what has helped with the transformation the past 4+ days. And it has only been 4+ days, not enough time really to know if the better is actually more stable or simply a-passing through. Regardless, I'm glad for the 4+ days.

What are some factors that I think helped:
~allowing myself to feel the rage
~being aware and noticing the self-loathing
~allowing myself to feel the grief
~writing about "it"
~being able to share what I wrote
~identifying the trigger factors
~regulating the distorted thoughts
~centering my heart focus
~discussing what happened and my responses with Dr. McColloch & getting his perspective

In light of the above, I need to recall those factors. Most likely, there will be more triggers to come. I may feel again the vindictiveness(v). I may feel the rage(r). It's understandable I would feel those emotions in this situation.

I do not have to allow those emotional responses to lead to self-loathing. I can feel the v & r w/out turning on myself and berating myself. For the v & r I can do what I did this time...to write and to heart soak. If I start to plummet into self-loathing...regulate, write, and perhaps "personify" the loathe...or at least check in with the personas I have already named. I could also personify the rage, if need be.

After getting through the storm, by Thursday, I really had no desire to post the retraction. I want to be able to forgive John, to recall the good he did for me. At the same time, I don't want to excuse the harm. John is a professional mental health therapist.

Goals for me in regard to the Knapp situation:

• speak my truth
• uphold my integrity
• not succumb to silencing myself
• be an advocate for me
• be truthful
• be open to possible various outcomes

Looking over my "goals" from what I wrote during my anger toward Knapp after speaking with Sam, the "No More Secrets" entry, I feel the only one I'd eliminate at this point is #1 about posting the retraction. I'm just not sure about posting a retraction. I guess much depends on the outcome of the investigation.

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